Sometimes it's Amnesia

There is a condition I have come to discover called "Mother's Amnesia," or "Mommy Brain." I truly belive thatheir hour this condition the human race would not survive. And, bonus, it is God's blessing to mothers around the world! All of a sudden there is now an excuse for why you forgot your coffee was on top of the car as you pulled out of your parking space. Suddenly a free pass has fallen into your lap. If you have forgotten something, misplaced an item, or have let the ball drop on a few daily chores- there is a perfectly good and acceptable excuse: temporary amnesia.

Husbands will undoubtedly tease you on your new found mental condition, and you can act as offended as you like by the accusations, but that doesn't mean you aren't grateful for the excuse... And sometimes maybe even exploit it a bit on purpose?

Mommy Brain can show in a variety of ways. Some are ways we wish it didn't affect us- the simple act of forgetting to perform an everyday task like laundry until you are opening your drawer to get dressed ... only to realize that all of your clothes for the season are lying in a heap in the back corner of your closet. Others are ways we are more grateful for: like the fact that the pain of pregnancy and birth become vague memories- the pain not something we truly remember until we are back in the delivery room. Recently I have discovered another such wonderful instance of motherhood amnesia.

It is called the chosen smile. That moment when your little pink wonderful looks at you, eyes wide, and your body begins to brace itself, ears try to close a bit, because the fear of another crying period commencing is just too great... And then it happens, the lips curl up, and instead of a scream it almost looks like a giggle. And your heart just melts. Maddie has recently begun to experiment with this form of communication, and it has done something to my heart.

All of a sudden, she looks at me and smiles, moving her mouth around like she is trying to laugh at the now shocked look on my face. And my heart melts. In an instant I go from my teeth on edge to laughing tears. Suddenly I have no recollection of the past couple months, my memory goes blank, and I just smile in relaxation. My muscles unclench, my face smooths out, and my heart is happy. A taste of joy, that's what it is, when you realize that your child is choosing to smile at you. And, as I feel my body changing and drinking in this refreshing time, I realize that I have no idea why I was so tense to begin with...

(sigh)

Mommy Amnesia. What a gift.

Sometimes it's Cabin Fever

The month of December has finally convinced our city to allow its citizens the option to wear coats and scarves without burning up. In other words it is finally starting to feel like winter fall. At the same time i am finding that it is not so wonderful... with the cold air has come some rather dreary and rainy days. And, here in Austin, there aren't too many places to take a 21 month old to play in doors. At this time last year, Tucker and I would escape to the malls in Houston, in which we would find baby friendly play-scapes that would easily entertain for a couple of hours- especially at the Galleria. But I have looked high and low for some such place here, and am at a loss. (If anyone knows of a good place, please let me know!) and the hardest part of all is an indoor play area is doubly needed this year.

I am finding that even on days like today, in which the sun is shining and it seems so inviting to go out in the invigorating air, I am still not wanting baby Maddie to be out doors for too long. Which is problematic because Tucker could probably stay outside all day. The indoors are giving him cabin fever, and I am beginning to be desperate for a safe place for him to go out and run around in. I guess I could always just keep an eye on him in the back yard... But then what to do when it is the bad weather days?

So far we have...
- painted the top of our table with chalkboard paint (to enable chalk drawings even when we can't go outside)
- driven around and looked at the exact same sets of Christmas lights the past few nights
- completely ransacked the playroom, to the point where I am not sure it will fully recover
And
- transported a way too large pile of toys to the living room floor

Tucker has also tried to play catch with tennis balls... with Maddie, hidden his pacifiers (which I still cannot find) along with Maddie's pacifiers (which I found in one of the trashcans), hidden his love blanket (found in the pantry), and pulled all of the wipes out of the case- then put them in the diaper pail. This morning was the topper of the day as Tucker attempted to ride his fire truck down the stairs- something he has been trying to do the past couple of weeks to no avail.

In other words I am finding that my favorite time of year - due to the wonderful clothes and the refreshment the cold air brings - is failing me. Because of all of the wonderful things that come with the winter months (which is a very long and beautiful list), there is a wanting for an easy outdoor entertainment solution, one that would accommodate a stay at home mom with a two month old and an almost twenty-two month old...

Sometimes it's a Car Trip

The busiest travel day of the year has been said to be the day before Thanksgiving. And, after last week's travelling escapades I now understand why. A trip that normally takes two and a half to three hours was prolonged by two hours of bumper to bumper traffic and one hour of stand still traffic. That's right, a three hour trip became six hours. Add a toddler with a thorough dislike for long car trips and an infant needing to nurse every three hours, and put them along with all of our luggage in a Mini Cooper and you begin to get a taste for what is now my family's most disliked travel day of the year. I may have come to this conclusion sooner had I been more prone in the past to travel the day before Thanksgiving, but alas I charted new territory this year.

From now on I believe I will try extra hard to have my family leave the WEEKEND before Thanksgiving. A guarantee to run into as little traffic as possible.

And now, with Thanksgiving behind us, the blow up yard Santa across the street from our neighborhood (along with the Christmas lights and wreaths that we're already beginning to make their debuts) doesn't look so out of place. Carols are ushering in this season on almost every radio station, and with this I am beginning to come to the realization of just how costly the "giving" season really is. To fill stockings, buy gifts, put up a tree, and string lights - not to mention getting Christmas pictures taken and sending out cards to loved ones - I honestly don't know how people do it year after year... I guess the philosophy of storing up presents throughout the year, like a squirrel with acorns, is the easiest on the checkbook... Think I will implement that next year. And, if anyone has any ideas on hit stocking stuffers for toddlers and infants (and husbands) that won't break the bank so to speak I am all ears! Because is it natural for the stocking stuffers to cost more than their actual gift?

Luckily Tucker is still easily entertained- the kid is happy with acorns and chalk, and trips to the park- the problem is me. I see cute things I know he would go crazy about and before I know it I am having to restrain myself from using all of our Christmas budget (ok it hasn't gotten THAT bad, but close). Don't worry, I emptied the shopping card and reminded myself of my son's easily contented personality. Does giving to kids an excessive amount more than they truly need eventually teach them to not be content with a little? Does it make them greedy? Am I greedy on my children's behalf? Ouch. I guess before this holiday season gets under full swing I need to take a step back myself and try to determine the line between a thoughtful gift, and greedy gifting- something I didn't know existed until now :)

Sometimes it's just that Time of Year

It's that time of year again... When the leaves are supposed to turn colors, the snow is supposed to start falling, and the fireplaces are supposed to be being lit once more. I say "supposed to" because if you live in Austin, Texas (or someplace similar) the majority of leaves are still green... or dead... And the snow is a foam people use to decorate with. Now fires just may be lit in the fireplaces, but instead of being cozyed up to they are politely admired from across the room.

This will be Nathan's and my third holiday season together, our second with Tucker, and of course our first with Maddie... And hopefully it will be the first we actually decorate for and start our own family traditions... Fingers crossed!

I love traditions, probably my most favorite part of the holiday season growing up was that it was dependable and predictable. It came once a year. Thanksgiving was spent at my Uncle's ranch outside of Bracketville- everyone (with the exception of me and whoever was too young at the time) would go bow hunting. We would also roast marshmallows, eat tons of enchiladas, watch the Thanksgiving day parade, and of course the dreaded anticipated football game of the season (A&M vs. UT), while enjoying the most amazing food ever. Seriously, I am not sure a better Thanksgiving tradition exists... Hence it's hold on my heart as my favorite holiday.

The drive from the ranch back to Colorado would consist of Christmas music... Nonstop Christmas music (which was probably the least looked forward to tradition of the holidays by both my brothers and me), however I have found I have become the initiator of that tradition in our house now... Dancing around every evening the past few days singing songs from Michael Buble's new Christmas album with Tucker -who now recognizes different songs and will even shout "oh boy!" for his favorites- during which times of joy I feel a small pang of guilt for not being equally enthusiastic when my own mom would turn on the festive ensembles when we were growing up...

...And then the Christmas season would get underway. In Colorado that meant chopping down our own tree (always one that resembled a "Charlie Brown Christmas tree"), drinking hot chocolate with extra marshmallows in Santa mugs, and watching Christmas movies while my mom strung cranberries and popcorn to decorate it's weathered boughs.

Christmas Eve we would receive our Christmas pj's and again drink hot chocolate after attending the Christmas Eve service in town at the local Presbyterian church. And on Christmas morning we would come downstairs to find our "Santa" gifts and stockings. We would eat another amazingly delicious meal, and then unwrap presents... Leisurely cherishing the snow covered day.

Now it's time for me to figure out which traditions will be the ones my children grow up with. That's a lot of pressure. It seems impossible not to keep every tradition exactly as it's always been... Except for the fact that we don't really get white Christmases here...

Sometimes it's Crazed Peace

You know that emotion that hits you at 2 am? The one that makes you want to pull your hair out? Or possibly make you run out the door screaming (with your fingers in your ears) while you jump into the car and drive to the farthest nearest hotel? If you have recently given birth to a cute bundle of colicky joy then you understand to what I am referring... If not I would like to assure you that these emotions are, I have come to find, completely normal and understandable- to other mothers that is...

Well, back to the fleeing your house in a state of panic because if you don't then you fear for the adorably frustrating child shrieking next to you - this is the state of mind I have found myself on the majority of nights the past few weeks. And here are a few examples as to why that is:
- Middle of the night nursing goes well enough, until the bed is reintroduced
- One minute the wubbanub is helping baby drift off, the next she is spitting it out and whimpering
- The Gripe water successfully passes her out after being administered half the time, but the administering process is full of ear piercing screams
- The Gripe water successfully exacerbates her after being administered the other half of the times
- Mylicon never works only worsens
- Rocking either outs her to sleep or wakes her up even more
- Reflux
- Gas
- Digestion
- Stomach issues
- Burps
- all of which wakes up my toddler who now seems to be suffering from a sort of night terror...

And the results to the afore mentioned statuses = little to no sleep and a highly predictable crying schedule (and no, "crying" does not just refer to the infant's tears). Hence, when moments like these happen in which I find myself awake in the middle of the night, with a baby who can't quite seem to comfort herself, I sometimes have the emotions fill me I described at the beginning of this post...

Tonight, however, I find myself feeling a different emotion I can only accredit to both having had a successful two hour nap earlier this afternoon and having LOTS of prayers lifted up on my behalf (the latter being what I am most grateful for and would ask that those do not cease!) The emotion feels almost fake considering that it is not the norm for this hour of night, at least not for this household, but is delightful all the same. It feels like a lack of emotion honestly- most likely due to the fact that there is no strong urge rising up within me to flee the room in which my child is anxiously fighting sleep.. But you are probably wondering what this fake-like feeling of an emotion is, so I will tell you: it is a calming PEACE that has filled me completely.


Peace is a state of harmony characterized by the lack of violent conflict. Commonly understood as the absence of hostility, PEACE also suggests the existence of healthy or newly healed interpersonal or international relationships, prosperity in matters of social or economic welfare, the establishment of equality, and a working political order that serves the true interests of all.

Recently my dear friend Jessica blessed me tremendously by taking Maddie Emma's newborn photos and our family photos. I have since described her as "The Ultimate Baby Whisperer," and I will tell show you why:

You may find yourself looking at this picture and wondering where the baby I have been describing is. I promise they are one in the same... I think... The perfect embodiment of my current emotion, beautifully captured in my daughter's face.

A note on the new look

Everyone my apologies for the new blog- if the background on the blog is a bright blue, it is not supposed to be. I know that Internet explorer is displaying it this way, but am not sure about other browsers. I believe safari and google chrom show it accurately (more of a gray colored linen). Will try to fix this as soon as possible, but it may take a while... Because I need my husband to do it! I was able to do everything else, very impressed with myself, but I am not nearly as experienced with "codes" as my husband is so I think I will leave this task to him...
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Sometimes it's Empathy

On October 6th, at 12:08 in the morning, we welcomed into the world our brand new baby girl. Six pounds and five ounces of pure newborn pink came into this world at rapid pace. We were thankful she was whole and healthy, but worry furrowed my brow. I was GBS positive and she came too quickly- I hadn't been able to receive the antibiotic that needed to be in my system before she made her way into the world. She would have to be monitored closely, we would need to stay an extra day in the hospital. The doctors were calm, and I tried with all my might to reflect that calm in my face, but my heart was a two-year old colt fresh off the racetrack.

In the days that followed something lovely began to happen. Our daughter would smile, not the half face smirky smile, but the whole face, eyes squinted, dimpled cheeks prominent, smile. If you saw a picture it looked like she was laughing with unhindered joy. A blessing, a soothing calm for the mother's worry of a heart. Every fiber of her tiny being fought to be content. But now, three weeks later, it has become a tremendous struggle. Now she is hurting and upset that she is upset. Looking at her face it is easy to tell that she does not desire to be as she is, but she can't help it. She is in pain. Pain that makes her back arch, her body turn beat red, and piercing wails escape from deep within her chest.

It is one of the hardest parts of parenthood. Listening to a new baby desperate for pain relief, and unable to communicate any other way than ear piercing cries. It wrenches the parents' hearts from their bodies. My eyes begin to burn and I want to run out of the room. Like if I am not standing there, useless to aid her, then she will no longer be in agony. My feet beg to run, my blood pulses through my veins urging me to flee from the room. And yet my chest aches to hold her, to soothe her. My knees collapse and the tears escape, while my body remains paralyzed. Unable to move one way or the other.

This time of the evening is the time when father is mother's blessing. Time is granted to escape in the warm water of the shower while he sits with the crying child. Shushing, singing, rocking, and cooing take place.

The other night our little Maddie girl was having one of the above evenings. I was in the shower, my husband had Maddie, and our son was sound asleep. By the time I was out of the shower, however, our son had woken up. A fresh set of tears just as we had gotten Maddie to sleep. Isn't that the story of parenthood? My husband went in to check on Tucker, who is normally easily consoled in the middle of the night, but he wouldn't quiet down this time. I heard him crying for me, so I went in. My husband whispered that he thought Tucker had had a nightmare. I set on the floor with our son in my arms, but he was desperate for something. He went to the door and my husband opened it for him. Tucker looked at me and gestured for me to hold him. I picked him up while looking puzzled at my husband. "What on earth? He's never done this before... What's wrong?" was the silent message sent from my eyes to my husbands eyes. We made our way down the hall- Tucker pointing the way to where he needed to go. Then all of a sudden he looks at me, and with a whimper in his voice says, "Maddie?"

Immediately I understood. His panicked face, his quivering voice... He had been hearing his sister's cries. He understood that she was in pain. And since she was now asleep the cries had stopped... "Maddie's ok bud, she's just sleeping." I try to tell him, but he won't calm down, his face is still panicked and he is pointing for her. "Do you want to check on her?" and he nods his head vigorously. We walk into the room and let him peak into her Moses Basket. After the reassurance that she is just sleeping and multiple kisses given to her head, he quiets down and let's his daddy put him back to bed.

At twenty months old my son shows more empathy than most adults I know. And for his sister- that might just be one for the books. The night ended with my husband trying to talk tonTucker some more as they lay in Tuck's big boy bed together. Tucker put his tiny hand on his daddy's face and turned it so that they were eye to eye. He put his finger to his daddy's lips until there was no longer any talking and then patted his daddy's cheeks.

Is there anything sweeter than that?