Sometimes it's Crazed Peace

You know that emotion that hits you at 2 am? The one that makes you want to pull your hair out? Or possibly make you run out the door screaming (with your fingers in your ears) while you jump into the car and drive to the farthest nearest hotel? If you have recently given birth to a cute bundle of colicky joy then you understand to what I am referring... If not I would like to assure you that these emotions are, I have come to find, completely normal and understandable- to other mothers that is...

Well, back to the fleeing your house in a state of panic because if you don't then you fear for the adorably frustrating child shrieking next to you - this is the state of mind I have found myself on the majority of nights the past few weeks. And here are a few examples as to why that is:
- Middle of the night nursing goes well enough, until the bed is reintroduced
- One minute the wubbanub is helping baby drift off, the next she is spitting it out and whimpering
- The Gripe water successfully passes her out after being administered half the time, but the administering process is full of ear piercing screams
- The Gripe water successfully exacerbates her after being administered the other half of the times
- Mylicon never works only worsens
- Rocking either outs her to sleep or wakes her up even more
- Reflux
- Gas
- Digestion
- Stomach issues
- Burps
- all of which wakes up my toddler who now seems to be suffering from a sort of night terror...

And the results to the afore mentioned statuses = little to no sleep and a highly predictable crying schedule (and no, "crying" does not just refer to the infant's tears). Hence, when moments like these happen in which I find myself awake in the middle of the night, with a baby who can't quite seem to comfort herself, I sometimes have the emotions fill me I described at the beginning of this post...

Tonight, however, I find myself feeling a different emotion I can only accredit to both having had a successful two hour nap earlier this afternoon and having LOTS of prayers lifted up on my behalf (the latter being what I am most grateful for and would ask that those do not cease!) The emotion feels almost fake considering that it is not the norm for this hour of night, at least not for this household, but is delightful all the same. It feels like a lack of emotion honestly- most likely due to the fact that there is no strong urge rising up within me to flee the room in which my child is anxiously fighting sleep.. But you are probably wondering what this fake-like feeling of an emotion is, so I will tell you: it is a calming PEACE that has filled me completely.


Peace is a state of harmony characterized by the lack of violent conflict. Commonly understood as the absence of hostility, PEACE also suggests the existence of healthy or newly healed interpersonal or international relationships, prosperity in matters of social or economic welfare, the establishment of equality, and a working political order that serves the true interests of all.

Recently my dear friend Jessica blessed me tremendously by taking Maddie Emma's newborn photos and our family photos. I have since described her as "The Ultimate Baby Whisperer," and I will tell show you why:

You may find yourself looking at this picture and wondering where the baby I have been describing is. I promise they are one in the same... I think... The perfect embodiment of my current emotion, beautifully captured in my daughter's face.

Sometimes it's Nice

I recently reconnected with a long-time friend. Mother of one-year old twins and a four year old, and honestly I don't know how she does it. I look at my one, eleven month old child, and whenever it's a bad day (tears, teething, reflux, or just pure exhaustion sets in) I think how difficult it would be to have multiple children draining my energy and strength. And yet, my friend is resilient. I'm sure if you were to talk to her she would credit everyone else around her as the reason she is how she is in motherhood. And, while that is true, she is also an amazing mother because she has been obedient to the calling God has placed on her life for this season.

(And, yes, the people who surround a mother as she raises her children are truly dear friends and family members- they are people who love to give of themselves and help make a mother's hardships bearable. I can honestly say that those individuals who have truly helped me throughout my pregnancy, and the beginnings of motherhood have shown me what it is to be the body of Christ like no one else. Christ does not give us more than we can bear, and that is so true- so when you feel as though you are faced with a burden too big for you, look at who else Christ has placed in your life at that moment to make that burden bearable.)

But there is also something to say about the person who is, with help, obediently bearing his or her burden. And the beautiful thing is that that same person will in turn be able to speak words of encouragement to a fellow bearer. It's an amazing blessing to be able to be told that you are not alone. My aforementioned friend blessed me tremendously when she spoke her own words of encouragement to me. Sometimes tears will stream down cheeks as you realize you aren't the first one to feel overwhelmed, sometimes laughter will escape your lips as you come to see that your child is not the first obstinate little one to grace this world with his or her presence, and sometimes it's just nice to know that you are not the first one to make a mistake.

I really don't want this blog to be something that scares people away from motherhood- because it is a truly amazing experience. And yes, it is harder than anything you will ever do, but that's not a bad thing. If you are wanting to be a doctor or a lawyer or you just want to get your masters, trust me that will seem like a piece of cake compared to raising a child. Your sweat, tears, time, blood, love, and heart go into raising a child, and with every day it gets even better. I am sitting here with an eleven month old and I am thinking to myself "I couldn't possibly love him more," but I know I will, because that is what I thought yesterday.

Sometimes it's Awe...

Today I watched in amazement as my son attempted to copy something I had been doing to entertain him for months now. I put a golf ball in a frisbee, and tilt the frisbee back and forth. The golf ball whirs around the edges of the frisbee and eventually falls out... Up until today Tucker would get so frustrated with that golf ball that he would grab it and throw it out of the frisbee. That course of action would tickle me. I could set the golf ball in the frisbee and as soon as he noticed it sitting there he would crawl as fast as he could and get throw the ball off.

Today, though, his little mind had changed. He picked up the frisbee in one hand, and then reached for the golf ball sitting by his leg. His brow furrowed a bit, and his lips stuck out as he concentrated all of his efforts to putting the golf ball "in" the frisbee. After he placed the ball successfully he grabbed both sides, and, very deliberately, started to rotate it back and forth. The ball started to spin, and then it began to glide from side to side. Tucker took it a step further by putting the frisbee in his left hand and flipping it so that the ball would slide around the entire edge, and then he switched hands and repeated the movement.

I sat in awe watching him do this. It just struck me as amazing that he could, at such a young age, begin to mimik people. And then I was struck by another emotion... fear. I began to wonder what other actions he has been watching that might not be so cute if he began to copy them. I know I haven't been perfect, and I know there will be many more times of imperfections, but honestly I hope my son never sees those moments frequently enough that he would ever try to copy them.

I love watching my son's personality begin to take shape. And, unfortunately, I am one of those mothers who laughs when her child misbehaves (only sometimes). I'm definitely trying to work on that with myself- I don't want him to think it's ok to act up... Lately, as in the past couple of weeks, he has taken to really fighting going in his car seat. He squirms and sticks his hips forward, he'll slink down as far as he can go, and make a serious "I'm upset with you" face (and sometimes vocalizes it). So I have to grab him back out of the car-seat and try again to put him in... Well, as soon as I grab him out he gets the biggest grin on his face and he starts to giggle. I just can't help myself, and I start laughing too... Sometimes it's a good reminder to me that I need to slow down a bit, and that it's ok if it takes a couple tries every now and then to get him in his seat... Granted, it is also extremely nice when I don't have to wrestle him in his car-seat...

I guess parenting is a bit of give and take. And I am learning that I need to pick my battles... Sometimes, it really isn't that big of a deal... And sometimes I need to be reminded to take it all in and just realize how big my child is getting, and then there are times where I just need to be able to laugh... at myself and my son!

Sometimes It's Hard...

The little man is entering the stage of life in which he is almost full out walking. Problem with that? Definitely! It was a lot easier to do things like laundry, dishes, make food, etc. when I had a child who wasn't capable of overt mobility. I just looked through all of the baby pictures and for the first like three months every picture he is in he's sleeping! Seriously, that stage went by way too fast. 

I have a problem of slowing down and enjoying the stage of life I am in. Maybe it's that my body doesn't quite comprehend what that means, I don't know, but I am continuously regretting letting stages of life pass me by before I have the chance to appreciate them. I did it in grade school, I did it in all of the houses my family has lived in, and I even did it in college. Constantly looking towards what was coming next instead of what I was living that very moment. 

And then, sometimes, I am just full of regret all around- not only on the things that I didn't take the chance to enjoy and appreciate, but the things that I never was able to experience. It's hard sometimes, wondering what life would have been like if I had taken a scholarship and gone to a different school, in a different state, and had a different life. Maybe studied abroad, and got to see a little bit more of the world before having to "settle down." 

Sometimes I just want to be a kid, you know? I want to pull out a ton of movies that I've seen a hundred times, and watch them all night long. Get a bag of swedish fish, gummy bears, red vines, a box of cupcakes, maybe even chips and dips- and just for a night forget about the world. Then sleep in the next day and have a long, lazy Saturday. A message to all of you who haven't entered the world of motherhood- enjoy sleeping in, seriously, every opportunity you get, take it! Because those opportunities will disappear until your children reach their teens. 

I miss the freedom of just picking up and going without having to worry about taking care of a child at the same time. I miss doing things at the drop of a hat, and not having to worry if whatever I'm about to do is going to interfere with my son's nap time, or feeding time. It's really hard being a mother 24/7, and I don't think any child truly appreciates their mother until they are parents themselves. 

Sometimes I definitely question whether or not I made the right decision. It's hard for me to look at my husband's and my financial struggles, or marital struggles (and yes, every couple I think has their fair share of struggles), but I end up questioning whether I should have been more open to adoption. Even thinking about mother's putting their children up for adoption brings tears to my eyes, and honestly I felt like if I did that it would kill me. And maybe it's every mother's struggle- thinking that there is probably somebody else out there who could do a better job than I am doing- but it certainly is something that has been hard for me. 

I just feel like my life is such a mess and that I am so not fit to be taking care of a child. Every time my son's doctor says that my son looks good and healthy, I just want to hug him- seriously. It helps my heart to know that I am doing a good job, and that my son is being taken care of as he should be. It's just fears and worries. I can't say what is right for every woman facing an "unplanned" pregnancy, but I can say this- being a mother changes your life. Whether you are a birth mother, or whether you are the mother that your children know as "mom," your life is never going to be the same... And that's not necessarily such a bad thing. 

If you are able to provide for yourself and you really want to keep your child, I say go for it. If you are unable to provide for yourself, don't get upset or feel like you don't have options. There are programs and homes that will help mothers, there are doctors who do work for little or sometimes even no cost, and they can help you get your vitamins, get the information you need so you know what to expect, and can even help you place your baby in an adoptive home if you feel too overwhelmed by the prospect of raising your own child. 

Ok, sorry, a little bit of a detour, but getting back on track... 

Being a mother is also fun and highly entertaining. This morning I was able to just sit on the floor, surrounded by pillows, and have a baby talk conversation with my almost ten month old. He gets the biggest kick out of me trying to make the same noises he does (I'm not too good at it, I'll admit). It reminds me of my mission trip to Peru- whenever we tried to speak Spanish to the children during arts and crafts they would just laugh at us. That's how I feel with my son- he has his own little language, and when I try to say what he is saying, it's just the funniest thing in the world. And it's heartwarming- to hear his laugh, and see his sideways grin that produces dimples on his cheeks... it's beautiful. And it makes it all worth it.

The most important thing to remember is that it is ok to laugh at yourself, and if you make a mistake be the first to admit it. Your child/children will copy you- the good and the bad, and yes, even the ugly. A little intimidating I know, but don't worry, there is yet to be the world's perfect person :)