Sometimes It's Hard...

The little man is entering the stage of life in which he is almost full out walking. Problem with that? Definitely! It was a lot easier to do things like laundry, dishes, make food, etc. when I had a child who wasn't capable of overt mobility. I just looked through all of the baby pictures and for the first like three months every picture he is in he's sleeping! Seriously, that stage went by way too fast. 

I have a problem of slowing down and enjoying the stage of life I am in. Maybe it's that my body doesn't quite comprehend what that means, I don't know, but I am continuously regretting letting stages of life pass me by before I have the chance to appreciate them. I did it in grade school, I did it in all of the houses my family has lived in, and I even did it in college. Constantly looking towards what was coming next instead of what I was living that very moment. 

And then, sometimes, I am just full of regret all around- not only on the things that I didn't take the chance to enjoy and appreciate, but the things that I never was able to experience. It's hard sometimes, wondering what life would have been like if I had taken a scholarship and gone to a different school, in a different state, and had a different life. Maybe studied abroad, and got to see a little bit more of the world before having to "settle down." 

Sometimes I just want to be a kid, you know? I want to pull out a ton of movies that I've seen a hundred times, and watch them all night long. Get a bag of swedish fish, gummy bears, red vines, a box of cupcakes, maybe even chips and dips- and just for a night forget about the world. Then sleep in the next day and have a long, lazy Saturday. A message to all of you who haven't entered the world of motherhood- enjoy sleeping in, seriously, every opportunity you get, take it! Because those opportunities will disappear until your children reach their teens. 

I miss the freedom of just picking up and going without having to worry about taking care of a child at the same time. I miss doing things at the drop of a hat, and not having to worry if whatever I'm about to do is going to interfere with my son's nap time, or feeding time. It's really hard being a mother 24/7, and I don't think any child truly appreciates their mother until they are parents themselves. 

Sometimes I definitely question whether or not I made the right decision. It's hard for me to look at my husband's and my financial struggles, or marital struggles (and yes, every couple I think has their fair share of struggles), but I end up questioning whether I should have been more open to adoption. Even thinking about mother's putting their children up for adoption brings tears to my eyes, and honestly I felt like if I did that it would kill me. And maybe it's every mother's struggle- thinking that there is probably somebody else out there who could do a better job than I am doing- but it certainly is something that has been hard for me. 

I just feel like my life is such a mess and that I am so not fit to be taking care of a child. Every time my son's doctor says that my son looks good and healthy, I just want to hug him- seriously. It helps my heart to know that I am doing a good job, and that my son is being taken care of as he should be. It's just fears and worries. I can't say what is right for every woman facing an "unplanned" pregnancy, but I can say this- being a mother changes your life. Whether you are a birth mother, or whether you are the mother that your children know as "mom," your life is never going to be the same... And that's not necessarily such a bad thing. 

If you are able to provide for yourself and you really want to keep your child, I say go for it. If you are unable to provide for yourself, don't get upset or feel like you don't have options. There are programs and homes that will help mothers, there are doctors who do work for little or sometimes even no cost, and they can help you get your vitamins, get the information you need so you know what to expect, and can even help you place your baby in an adoptive home if you feel too overwhelmed by the prospect of raising your own child. 

Ok, sorry, a little bit of a detour, but getting back on track... 

Being a mother is also fun and highly entertaining. This morning I was able to just sit on the floor, surrounded by pillows, and have a baby talk conversation with my almost ten month old. He gets the biggest kick out of me trying to make the same noises he does (I'm not too good at it, I'll admit). It reminds me of my mission trip to Peru- whenever we tried to speak Spanish to the children during arts and crafts they would just laugh at us. That's how I feel with my son- he has his own little language, and when I try to say what he is saying, it's just the funniest thing in the world. And it's heartwarming- to hear his laugh, and see his sideways grin that produces dimples on his cheeks... it's beautiful. And it makes it all worth it.

The most important thing to remember is that it is ok to laugh at yourself, and if you make a mistake be the first to admit it. Your child/children will copy you- the good and the bad, and yes, even the ugly. A little intimidating I know, but don't worry, there is yet to be the world's perfect person :) 

9 Months (and counting)...

My son just had his 9 month check up today. For the first time he recognized the nurse, and immediately there were water works. The wailing lasted for the better part of the visit, which is understandable considering the finger pricking, the shots, and the basic checkup procedures. It's at times like that when I wish I could communicate with my tiny little one- I want to be able to explain that the nurse isn't trying to be mean, the doctor isn't trying to make him uncomfortable, and essentially that he needs his immunizations.

Immunizations aren't the only things I would like to be able to communicate with my child about. I would also love to be able to know why he cries when he wakes up in the middle of the night whimpering, (is it because he is scared? Did he have a bad dream? Is he too cold or too hot? Can he not find his pacifier? Is he thirsty?) And then I have to exhale slowly, do my best to soothe him, and tell myself that soon enough he will be able to communicate more than I will want him to. It's a process, one big learning process; and, for the most part, no one ever "graduates."

Holding my son's hands as he lies down on the doctor's examination table receiving his shots I feel horrible. His eyes fill with huge drops of tears, and it seems to me as though he is begging me to help him. The pain that hits me in that moment cuts deep, and my heart breaks for my son.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if the women, the couples, and even the families wrestling with the choices of how to handle an unplanned pregnancy could see that unborn child's eyes well up with tears- if they could see that plea in the baby's eyes, what would be their choice?