Sometimes it's Nice

I recently reconnected with a long-time friend. Mother of one-year old twins and a four year old, and honestly I don't know how she does it. I look at my one, eleven month old child, and whenever it's a bad day (tears, teething, reflux, or just pure exhaustion sets in) I think how difficult it would be to have multiple children draining my energy and strength. And yet, my friend is resilient. I'm sure if you were to talk to her she would credit everyone else around her as the reason she is how she is in motherhood. And, while that is true, she is also an amazing mother because she has been obedient to the calling God has placed on her life for this season.

(And, yes, the people who surround a mother as she raises her children are truly dear friends and family members- they are people who love to give of themselves and help make a mother's hardships bearable. I can honestly say that those individuals who have truly helped me throughout my pregnancy, and the beginnings of motherhood have shown me what it is to be the body of Christ like no one else. Christ does not give us more than we can bear, and that is so true- so when you feel as though you are faced with a burden too big for you, look at who else Christ has placed in your life at that moment to make that burden bearable.)

But there is also something to say about the person who is, with help, obediently bearing his or her burden. And the beautiful thing is that that same person will in turn be able to speak words of encouragement to a fellow bearer. It's an amazing blessing to be able to be told that you are not alone. My aforementioned friend blessed me tremendously when she spoke her own words of encouragement to me. Sometimes tears will stream down cheeks as you realize you aren't the first one to feel overwhelmed, sometimes laughter will escape your lips as you come to see that your child is not the first obstinate little one to grace this world with his or her presence, and sometimes it's just nice to know that you are not the first one to make a mistake.

I really don't want this blog to be something that scares people away from motherhood- because it is a truly amazing experience. And yes, it is harder than anything you will ever do, but that's not a bad thing. If you are wanting to be a doctor or a lawyer or you just want to get your masters, trust me that will seem like a piece of cake compared to raising a child. Your sweat, tears, time, blood, love, and heart go into raising a child, and with every day it gets even better. I am sitting here with an eleven month old and I am thinking to myself "I couldn't possibly love him more," but I know I will, because that is what I thought yesterday.

Sometimes It's Hard...

The little man is entering the stage of life in which he is almost full out walking. Problem with that? Definitely! It was a lot easier to do things like laundry, dishes, make food, etc. when I had a child who wasn't capable of overt mobility. I just looked through all of the baby pictures and for the first like three months every picture he is in he's sleeping! Seriously, that stage went by way too fast. 

I have a problem of slowing down and enjoying the stage of life I am in. Maybe it's that my body doesn't quite comprehend what that means, I don't know, but I am continuously regretting letting stages of life pass me by before I have the chance to appreciate them. I did it in grade school, I did it in all of the houses my family has lived in, and I even did it in college. Constantly looking towards what was coming next instead of what I was living that very moment. 

And then, sometimes, I am just full of regret all around- not only on the things that I didn't take the chance to enjoy and appreciate, but the things that I never was able to experience. It's hard sometimes, wondering what life would have been like if I had taken a scholarship and gone to a different school, in a different state, and had a different life. Maybe studied abroad, and got to see a little bit more of the world before having to "settle down." 

Sometimes I just want to be a kid, you know? I want to pull out a ton of movies that I've seen a hundred times, and watch them all night long. Get a bag of swedish fish, gummy bears, red vines, a box of cupcakes, maybe even chips and dips- and just for a night forget about the world. Then sleep in the next day and have a long, lazy Saturday. A message to all of you who haven't entered the world of motherhood- enjoy sleeping in, seriously, every opportunity you get, take it! Because those opportunities will disappear until your children reach their teens. 

I miss the freedom of just picking up and going without having to worry about taking care of a child at the same time. I miss doing things at the drop of a hat, and not having to worry if whatever I'm about to do is going to interfere with my son's nap time, or feeding time. It's really hard being a mother 24/7, and I don't think any child truly appreciates their mother until they are parents themselves. 

Sometimes I definitely question whether or not I made the right decision. It's hard for me to look at my husband's and my financial struggles, or marital struggles (and yes, every couple I think has their fair share of struggles), but I end up questioning whether I should have been more open to adoption. Even thinking about mother's putting their children up for adoption brings tears to my eyes, and honestly I felt like if I did that it would kill me. And maybe it's every mother's struggle- thinking that there is probably somebody else out there who could do a better job than I am doing- but it certainly is something that has been hard for me. 

I just feel like my life is such a mess and that I am so not fit to be taking care of a child. Every time my son's doctor says that my son looks good and healthy, I just want to hug him- seriously. It helps my heart to know that I am doing a good job, and that my son is being taken care of as he should be. It's just fears and worries. I can't say what is right for every woman facing an "unplanned" pregnancy, but I can say this- being a mother changes your life. Whether you are a birth mother, or whether you are the mother that your children know as "mom," your life is never going to be the same... And that's not necessarily such a bad thing. 

If you are able to provide for yourself and you really want to keep your child, I say go for it. If you are unable to provide for yourself, don't get upset or feel like you don't have options. There are programs and homes that will help mothers, there are doctors who do work for little or sometimes even no cost, and they can help you get your vitamins, get the information you need so you know what to expect, and can even help you place your baby in an adoptive home if you feel too overwhelmed by the prospect of raising your own child. 

Ok, sorry, a little bit of a detour, but getting back on track... 

Being a mother is also fun and highly entertaining. This morning I was able to just sit on the floor, surrounded by pillows, and have a baby talk conversation with my almost ten month old. He gets the biggest kick out of me trying to make the same noises he does (I'm not too good at it, I'll admit). It reminds me of my mission trip to Peru- whenever we tried to speak Spanish to the children during arts and crafts they would just laugh at us. That's how I feel with my son- he has his own little language, and when I try to say what he is saying, it's just the funniest thing in the world. And it's heartwarming- to hear his laugh, and see his sideways grin that produces dimples on his cheeks... it's beautiful. And it makes it all worth it.

The most important thing to remember is that it is ok to laugh at yourself, and if you make a mistake be the first to admit it. Your child/children will copy you- the good and the bad, and yes, even the ugly. A little intimidating I know, but don't worry, there is yet to be the world's perfect person :)