Sometimes it's Empathy

On October 6th, at 12:08 in the morning, we welcomed into the world our brand new baby girl. Six pounds and five ounces of pure newborn pink came into this world at rapid pace. We were thankful she was whole and healthy, but worry furrowed my brow. I was GBS positive and she came too quickly- I hadn't been able to receive the antibiotic that needed to be in my system before she made her way into the world. She would have to be monitored closely, we would need to stay an extra day in the hospital. The doctors were calm, and I tried with all my might to reflect that calm in my face, but my heart was a two-year old colt fresh off the racetrack.

In the days that followed something lovely began to happen. Our daughter would smile, not the half face smirky smile, but the whole face, eyes squinted, dimpled cheeks prominent, smile. If you saw a picture it looked like she was laughing with unhindered joy. A blessing, a soothing calm for the mother's worry of a heart. Every fiber of her tiny being fought to be content. But now, three weeks later, it has become a tremendous struggle. Now she is hurting and upset that she is upset. Looking at her face it is easy to tell that she does not desire to be as she is, but she can't help it. She is in pain. Pain that makes her back arch, her body turn beat red, and piercing wails escape from deep within her chest.

It is one of the hardest parts of parenthood. Listening to a new baby desperate for pain relief, and unable to communicate any other way than ear piercing cries. It wrenches the parents' hearts from their bodies. My eyes begin to burn and I want to run out of the room. Like if I am not standing there, useless to aid her, then she will no longer be in agony. My feet beg to run, my blood pulses through my veins urging me to flee from the room. And yet my chest aches to hold her, to soothe her. My knees collapse and the tears escape, while my body remains paralyzed. Unable to move one way or the other.

This time of the evening is the time when father is mother's blessing. Time is granted to escape in the warm water of the shower while he sits with the crying child. Shushing, singing, rocking, and cooing take place.

The other night our little Maddie girl was having one of the above evenings. I was in the shower, my husband had Maddie, and our son was sound asleep. By the time I was out of the shower, however, our son had woken up. A fresh set of tears just as we had gotten Maddie to sleep. Isn't that the story of parenthood? My husband went in to check on Tucker, who is normally easily consoled in the middle of the night, but he wouldn't quiet down this time. I heard him crying for me, so I went in. My husband whispered that he thought Tucker had had a nightmare. I set on the floor with our son in my arms, but he was desperate for something. He went to the door and my husband opened it for him. Tucker looked at me and gestured for me to hold him. I picked him up while looking puzzled at my husband. "What on earth? He's never done this before... What's wrong?" was the silent message sent from my eyes to my husbands eyes. We made our way down the hall- Tucker pointing the way to where he needed to go. Then all of a sudden he looks at me, and with a whimper in his voice says, "Maddie?"

Immediately I understood. His panicked face, his quivering voice... He had been hearing his sister's cries. He understood that she was in pain. And since she was now asleep the cries had stopped... "Maddie's ok bud, she's just sleeping." I try to tell him, but he won't calm down, his face is still panicked and he is pointing for her. "Do you want to check on her?" and he nods his head vigorously. We walk into the room and let him peak into her Moses Basket. After the reassurance that she is just sleeping and multiple kisses given to her head, he quiets down and let's his daddy put him back to bed.

At twenty months old my son shows more empathy than most adults I know. And for his sister- that might just be one for the books. The night ended with my husband trying to talk tonTucker some more as they lay in Tuck's big boy bed together. Tucker put his tiny hand on his daddy's face and turned it so that they were eye to eye. He put his finger to his daddy's lips until there was no longer any talking and then patted his daddy's cheeks.

Is there anything sweeter than that?

Sometimes it's Hunger...

Hunger: A strong or compelling desire or craving

Since the moment my son was born he has been adept at expressing when he is hungry. As a newborn it was a piercing cry; as a baby it was a whine/whimper, which would turn into a cry of panic as soon as food was spotted; now, as a toddler, it is a demanding cry of panic- he sees the food and he needs it... now! I have been humored and slightly annoyed at his panic over food. "When have you ever seen food, been hungry, and I have not fed you?" (This thought to myself sometimes voiced to my child... of course I don't receive a response.) But recently I have had two thoughts/questions on this subject. 

The first being this: How different would my life be if I hungered for God's Word (and expressed that hunger) as desperately as my toddler expresses his hunger for food? Imagine not being able to walk by your Bible without immediately grasping it up and abiding in it. Imagine not being able to feed your flesh's hunger until you had satisfied your spiritual hunger. To have a daily, urgent, hunger for abiding in Him would drastically alter my day, my plans, my thoughts, my life.

My second thought, however, was brought about by this question: Do I hunger like this in my life for anything? 

The answer: Yes, I do. I express my panic towards God, I look at Him and beg, "Why aren't You feeding me," and all the while He is holding a spoon to my lips. My conviction about treating my Heavenly Father like a demanding toddler came twice in one week. Think He's trying to tell me something? 

My being a toddler part 1: 

In one instance I was frustrated with a situation, plus stressed that I was going to have a toddler and a newborn in a one bedroom/one study apartment (the study is about 7 sq feet by 5 sq feet, not really big enough for two cribs and a changing table). But financially we couldn't afford to move to a bigger apartment, plus our lease doesn't end until February (by which time baby 2 will be four months old!) So here am I panicking in a demanding, relentless voice to God crying out, "How are we supposed to make this work? Why are we in this stage of life? Why is this frustration in my life right now? etc, etc, etc..." 

The Spoon: 

This last week, the manager of our apartment offered to let us move into a two bedroom (as a result to the frustration issue), and not only that but to lower the price of the two bedroom in order to make it affordable for us to live in. And so the whole time I'm complaining God's sitting there with this perfect solution in hand, probably getting a little annoyed with me, because I am panicking and His provision is sitting there perfectly laid out. 

My being a toddler part 2: 

Recently, as I believe I have expressed earlier, we have had stress in our household. Which, I believe, every couple and family has on a regular basis, especially when, like us, it revolves around finances. This month I honestly had no idea how we were going to make certain payments. And again, my demanding complaint, as I look around and judge that others have been provided for in abundance, "Why am I not being provided for? God, don't you care about this stress in my life? How am I supposed to do this? What am I supposed to do?" Mind you, this is also after we studied the book of Luke and our assignment was to recognize that we were valued in Christ. So, God chose to give me a gentle reminder, a soft rebuking, and a sweet reassurance that I am indeed valued and He is taking care of me- 

"Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe," John 20:29

God's Planned Provision: 

A check sent by a dear friend in the exact amount needed to pay specific bills for this month. Mind you, I have heard of this kind of action and provision before- had heard testimonies of it from friends, but experiencing it first hand has been truly remarkable. And also convicting, because I have been called by God, through His Word, to "not worry about tomorrow" and yet there I was worrying, and fretting, and stressing, and being cross because I didn't truly believe that I was indeed valued. I didn't have faith that my Heavenly Father would truly provide for all my needs. 

This week the prayer that each of us are praying in our Bible study is that we will abide in Him and in His Word, daily, constantly, incessantly. 

Sometimes It's Hard...

The little man is entering the stage of life in which he is almost full out walking. Problem with that? Definitely! It was a lot easier to do things like laundry, dishes, make food, etc. when I had a child who wasn't capable of overt mobility. I just looked through all of the baby pictures and for the first like three months every picture he is in he's sleeping! Seriously, that stage went by way too fast. 

I have a problem of slowing down and enjoying the stage of life I am in. Maybe it's that my body doesn't quite comprehend what that means, I don't know, but I am continuously regretting letting stages of life pass me by before I have the chance to appreciate them. I did it in grade school, I did it in all of the houses my family has lived in, and I even did it in college. Constantly looking towards what was coming next instead of what I was living that very moment. 

And then, sometimes, I am just full of regret all around- not only on the things that I didn't take the chance to enjoy and appreciate, but the things that I never was able to experience. It's hard sometimes, wondering what life would have been like if I had taken a scholarship and gone to a different school, in a different state, and had a different life. Maybe studied abroad, and got to see a little bit more of the world before having to "settle down." 

Sometimes I just want to be a kid, you know? I want to pull out a ton of movies that I've seen a hundred times, and watch them all night long. Get a bag of swedish fish, gummy bears, red vines, a box of cupcakes, maybe even chips and dips- and just for a night forget about the world. Then sleep in the next day and have a long, lazy Saturday. A message to all of you who haven't entered the world of motherhood- enjoy sleeping in, seriously, every opportunity you get, take it! Because those opportunities will disappear until your children reach their teens. 

I miss the freedom of just picking up and going without having to worry about taking care of a child at the same time. I miss doing things at the drop of a hat, and not having to worry if whatever I'm about to do is going to interfere with my son's nap time, or feeding time. It's really hard being a mother 24/7, and I don't think any child truly appreciates their mother until they are parents themselves. 

Sometimes I definitely question whether or not I made the right decision. It's hard for me to look at my husband's and my financial struggles, or marital struggles (and yes, every couple I think has their fair share of struggles), but I end up questioning whether I should have been more open to adoption. Even thinking about mother's putting their children up for adoption brings tears to my eyes, and honestly I felt like if I did that it would kill me. And maybe it's every mother's struggle- thinking that there is probably somebody else out there who could do a better job than I am doing- but it certainly is something that has been hard for me. 

I just feel like my life is such a mess and that I am so not fit to be taking care of a child. Every time my son's doctor says that my son looks good and healthy, I just want to hug him- seriously. It helps my heart to know that I am doing a good job, and that my son is being taken care of as he should be. It's just fears and worries. I can't say what is right for every woman facing an "unplanned" pregnancy, but I can say this- being a mother changes your life. Whether you are a birth mother, or whether you are the mother that your children know as "mom," your life is never going to be the same... And that's not necessarily such a bad thing. 

If you are able to provide for yourself and you really want to keep your child, I say go for it. If you are unable to provide for yourself, don't get upset or feel like you don't have options. There are programs and homes that will help mothers, there are doctors who do work for little or sometimes even no cost, and they can help you get your vitamins, get the information you need so you know what to expect, and can even help you place your baby in an adoptive home if you feel too overwhelmed by the prospect of raising your own child. 

Ok, sorry, a little bit of a detour, but getting back on track... 

Being a mother is also fun and highly entertaining. This morning I was able to just sit on the floor, surrounded by pillows, and have a baby talk conversation with my almost ten month old. He gets the biggest kick out of me trying to make the same noises he does (I'm not too good at it, I'll admit). It reminds me of my mission trip to Peru- whenever we tried to speak Spanish to the children during arts and crafts they would just laugh at us. That's how I feel with my son- he has his own little language, and when I try to say what he is saying, it's just the funniest thing in the world. And it's heartwarming- to hear his laugh, and see his sideways grin that produces dimples on his cheeks... it's beautiful. And it makes it all worth it.

The most important thing to remember is that it is ok to laugh at yourself, and if you make a mistake be the first to admit it. Your child/children will copy you- the good and the bad, and yes, even the ugly. A little intimidating I know, but don't worry, there is yet to be the world's perfect person :)