Sometimes it's Empathy

On October 6th, at 12:08 in the morning, we welcomed into the world our brand new baby girl. Six pounds and five ounces of pure newborn pink came into this world at rapid pace. We were thankful she was whole and healthy, but worry furrowed my brow. I was GBS positive and she came too quickly- I hadn't been able to receive the antibiotic that needed to be in my system before she made her way into the world. She would have to be monitored closely, we would need to stay an extra day in the hospital. The doctors were calm, and I tried with all my might to reflect that calm in my face, but my heart was a two-year old colt fresh off the racetrack.

In the days that followed something lovely began to happen. Our daughter would smile, not the half face smirky smile, but the whole face, eyes squinted, dimpled cheeks prominent, smile. If you saw a picture it looked like she was laughing with unhindered joy. A blessing, a soothing calm for the mother's worry of a heart. Every fiber of her tiny being fought to be content. But now, three weeks later, it has become a tremendous struggle. Now she is hurting and upset that she is upset. Looking at her face it is easy to tell that she does not desire to be as she is, but she can't help it. She is in pain. Pain that makes her back arch, her body turn beat red, and piercing wails escape from deep within her chest.

It is one of the hardest parts of parenthood. Listening to a new baby desperate for pain relief, and unable to communicate any other way than ear piercing cries. It wrenches the parents' hearts from their bodies. My eyes begin to burn and I want to run out of the room. Like if I am not standing there, useless to aid her, then she will no longer be in agony. My feet beg to run, my blood pulses through my veins urging me to flee from the room. And yet my chest aches to hold her, to soothe her. My knees collapse and the tears escape, while my body remains paralyzed. Unable to move one way or the other.

This time of the evening is the time when father is mother's blessing. Time is granted to escape in the warm water of the shower while he sits with the crying child. Shushing, singing, rocking, and cooing take place.

The other night our little Maddie girl was having one of the above evenings. I was in the shower, my husband had Maddie, and our son was sound asleep. By the time I was out of the shower, however, our son had woken up. A fresh set of tears just as we had gotten Maddie to sleep. Isn't that the story of parenthood? My husband went in to check on Tucker, who is normally easily consoled in the middle of the night, but he wouldn't quiet down this time. I heard him crying for me, so I went in. My husband whispered that he thought Tucker had had a nightmare. I set on the floor with our son in my arms, but he was desperate for something. He went to the door and my husband opened it for him. Tucker looked at me and gestured for me to hold him. I picked him up while looking puzzled at my husband. "What on earth? He's never done this before... What's wrong?" was the silent message sent from my eyes to my husbands eyes. We made our way down the hall- Tucker pointing the way to where he needed to go. Then all of a sudden he looks at me, and with a whimper in his voice says, "Maddie?"

Immediately I understood. His panicked face, his quivering voice... He had been hearing his sister's cries. He understood that she was in pain. And since she was now asleep the cries had stopped... "Maddie's ok bud, she's just sleeping." I try to tell him, but he won't calm down, his face is still panicked and he is pointing for her. "Do you want to check on her?" and he nods his head vigorously. We walk into the room and let him peak into her Moses Basket. After the reassurance that she is just sleeping and multiple kisses given to her head, he quiets down and let's his daddy put him back to bed.

At twenty months old my son shows more empathy than most adults I know. And for his sister- that might just be one for the books. The night ended with my husband trying to talk tonTucker some more as they lay in Tuck's big boy bed together. Tucker put his tiny hand on his daddy's face and turned it so that they were eye to eye. He put his finger to his daddy's lips until there was no longer any talking and then patted his daddy's cheeks.

Is there anything sweeter than that?

Sometimes it's Exhausted Imperfection

Today I find myself counting the hours until my toddler's bedtime. The third trimester of pregnancy is a lot more tiring when chasing around a toddler all day every day- especially when that toddler is constantly getting into things he shouldn't. That coupled with the stresses of moving cities (changing doctors, pediatricians, mom groups, Bible studies, churches, and my husband's new job) is taxing me greatly.

And, as a result of these new found exhaustions, I feel a nagging sense of guilt for not getting my son outside more or interacting with him 100% on a constant basis. I am thankful for the reminder that since the beginning of time there has been no perfect human parent, but at the same time I wish I could be. I wish I could be that for my son- that I would always handle every situation perfectly, and that I would never feel a sense of guilt for not doing more.

And that's when I remember that, even though my children will never have perfect human parents or roll models- they will always have their Heavenly Father, to act as perfect parent, and Jesus Christ as perfect roll model, and the Holy Spirit to be their Helper. It's a relief knowing that despite the fact that I am imperfect, God more than makes up for my short comings. And He will always be here, ready to catch not only me when I fall short, but also my kids. How comforting that is!

Sometimes it's Hunger...

Hunger: A strong or compelling desire or craving

Since the moment my son was born he has been adept at expressing when he is hungry. As a newborn it was a piercing cry; as a baby it was a whine/whimper, which would turn into a cry of panic as soon as food was spotted; now, as a toddler, it is a demanding cry of panic- he sees the food and he needs it... now! I have been humored and slightly annoyed at his panic over food. "When have you ever seen food, been hungry, and I have not fed you?" (This thought to myself sometimes voiced to my child... of course I don't receive a response.) But recently I have had two thoughts/questions on this subject. 

The first being this: How different would my life be if I hungered for God's Word (and expressed that hunger) as desperately as my toddler expresses his hunger for food? Imagine not being able to walk by your Bible without immediately grasping it up and abiding in it. Imagine not being able to feed your flesh's hunger until you had satisfied your spiritual hunger. To have a daily, urgent, hunger for abiding in Him would drastically alter my day, my plans, my thoughts, my life.

My second thought, however, was brought about by this question: Do I hunger like this in my life for anything? 

The answer: Yes, I do. I express my panic towards God, I look at Him and beg, "Why aren't You feeding me," and all the while He is holding a spoon to my lips. My conviction about treating my Heavenly Father like a demanding toddler came twice in one week. Think He's trying to tell me something? 

My being a toddler part 1: 

In one instance I was frustrated with a situation, plus stressed that I was going to have a toddler and a newborn in a one bedroom/one study apartment (the study is about 7 sq feet by 5 sq feet, not really big enough for two cribs and a changing table). But financially we couldn't afford to move to a bigger apartment, plus our lease doesn't end until February (by which time baby 2 will be four months old!) So here am I panicking in a demanding, relentless voice to God crying out, "How are we supposed to make this work? Why are we in this stage of life? Why is this frustration in my life right now? etc, etc, etc..." 

The Spoon: 

This last week, the manager of our apartment offered to let us move into a two bedroom (as a result to the frustration issue), and not only that but to lower the price of the two bedroom in order to make it affordable for us to live in. And so the whole time I'm complaining God's sitting there with this perfect solution in hand, probably getting a little annoyed with me, because I am panicking and His provision is sitting there perfectly laid out. 

My being a toddler part 2: 

Recently, as I believe I have expressed earlier, we have had stress in our household. Which, I believe, every couple and family has on a regular basis, especially when, like us, it revolves around finances. This month I honestly had no idea how we were going to make certain payments. And again, my demanding complaint, as I look around and judge that others have been provided for in abundance, "Why am I not being provided for? God, don't you care about this stress in my life? How am I supposed to do this? What am I supposed to do?" Mind you, this is also after we studied the book of Luke and our assignment was to recognize that we were valued in Christ. So, God chose to give me a gentle reminder, a soft rebuking, and a sweet reassurance that I am indeed valued and He is taking care of me- 

"Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe," John 20:29

God's Planned Provision: 

A check sent by a dear friend in the exact amount needed to pay specific bills for this month. Mind you, I have heard of this kind of action and provision before- had heard testimonies of it from friends, but experiencing it first hand has been truly remarkable. And also convicting, because I have been called by God, through His Word, to "not worry about tomorrow" and yet there I was worrying, and fretting, and stressing, and being cross because I didn't truly believe that I was indeed valued. I didn't have faith that my Heavenly Father would truly provide for all my needs. 

This week the prayer that each of us are praying in our Bible study is that we will abide in Him and in His Word, daily, constantly, incessantly. 

Sometimes it's a Zoo...

*This blog is a total side-note, silly, fun tidbit that I have come across :) 

I have never considered my child to have ever had a stage where he is "immobile," mainly because he has been moving every limb on his body since he was basically born. From birth he would "swim" if you held his body up in the air- arms and legs moving as fast as he could make them go until he was put down, and even then he didn't hold still. Two months comes along and we have a rolling baby- who miraculously would use his skills to go from one place to another. Five months we have a crawler... a fast crawler. Nine to ten months mostly crawling and pulling up/walking while holding onto furniture: "cruiser." Eleven months we have it, a walker. Now we have a toddler who only walks/waddle-runs... There are benefits that come with such an active child- the first of which is I get plenty of exercise. 

I was always one of those women who dreamed of having twins- I thought it would be the greatest thing ever, that is until I had one baby. I tried to picture how I could have possibly taken care of two mouths to feed, two bottoms to diaper, and two babies to clean and play with. Just thinking about it I would get tired... Now, however, I realize the benefit to having two at the same time is your child has a distraction- someone else to follow around, to play with, to chase, and to "talk" to. 

When Tucker follows me around the house like a little puppy I wish I had someone or something (a dog or a cat) for him to be entertained with. And then I happened upon Zhu-Zhu pets. We were first introduced to these little critters at a friend's house when she grabbed out two to occupy our two boys (who were both crawling at the time)- and the boys chased the things around for an insane amount of time.... I had half-forgotten about these little "pets," and have been thinking more and more about wanting an animal for Tucker to be entertained with... But the only thing we could really have in our tiny little apartment is a fish or two- neither of which I thought my son would be too pleased by seeing as he couldn't really play with them. And then (sigh): Zhu-Zhu pet. From the moment I handed him the little raccoon animal he was fascinated: the noises that emerged from the little creature had Tucker talking right back to it!

Now I know, most parents aren't too crazy about something that not only makes a ton of little squeaky sounds, but also can move incessantly... However, the benefits (at least for us) have far outweighed the costs. For starters the little things can be purchased for $5 at Target, which is a fairly cheap form of entertainment these days... 

Tucker chases the pet up and down our apartment, then he will grab it and laugh at the little noises it makes. He still continues to talk to it, and he now knows how to make it go, stop, and squeak. He gets so tickled when I get "Rocco" down and let the two of them zoom around the floor together- and it's a great distraction in the morning so I can either get dressed and ready, make breakfast, or even eat my own breakfast! 

So, if you are like me, and are trying to desperately find a way to entertain your extra-mobile child with something, anything so you can have a few moments in the morning, etc. to get ready and get the house in order, and if you can't actually buy an animal (or don't want to deal with the hassel of cleaning up after it/dealing with extra expenses) I'd recommend the zhu-zhu pets :) And I'm sure there are tons of other similar toys out there which we haven't yet discovered... 

A Season

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 

a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; 

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; 

a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; 

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; 

a time for war, and a time for peace." 

-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

The past couple months there has been a lot of stress in my household. Mainly because expecting our second child has mixed joy with worry. Questions arise daily, from "How am I going to drive a Mini Cooper when I'm in my third trimester?" to "Where is baby #2 going to sleep when he or she is too big for the Moses basket?" to "How are we going to continue to live off of one income?" 

I forget that probably the majority of people expecting their second child have similar worries as well, if not more complex. Reminding myself that I am blessed relieves so much stress on my mind. A burden is lifted from my shoulders when I realize how wonderful it is that I live in a safe apartment, that I get to see my toddler every day and I am not having to place him in childcare, that we are able to purchase necessities, and we are not going hungry or going without clothing. 

Living in the midst of a large city- surrounded by the hustle and bustle of thousands of people, bombarded on every side by billboards and advertisements- I lose sight of what it looks like to live for Christ and not for the world (or for my own fleshly desires). How hard it is to not long for a home, for two cars that are both safe to put children inside of, for expendable income, and for an actual vacation to the beach or the mountains with my husband and child(ren). 

Today, I had a pleasant escape from this temptation of thought. I was able to watch my son be fascinated and overjoyed with nature. A stick to him was a golden scepter and an ordinary rock was a precious gemstone. A leaf was a rare treasure (especially when it had a fuzz ball attached to it), and his little plastic purple ball elicited a shout of joy and a belly giggle. 

Digging in the dirt, trying to understand why tree roots don't come off of the ground, and trying with every fiber of his being to catch the black birds hopping under the picnic benches- that is what contentment means to my toddler of a son. How refreshing, how truly enjoyable, to sit and watch a child thoroughly enjoy God's creation. He didn't need anything electronic, or costly; all it took was a little time, some turkey and cheese, a plastic ball, and the great outdoors. God truly has anticipated all of our needs and provided for them- even down to the smallest of people. 

Sometimes it's Nice

I recently reconnected with a long-time friend. Mother of one-year old twins and a four year old, and honestly I don't know how she does it. I look at my one, eleven month old child, and whenever it's a bad day (tears, teething, reflux, or just pure exhaustion sets in) I think how difficult it would be to have multiple children draining my energy and strength. And yet, my friend is resilient. I'm sure if you were to talk to her she would credit everyone else around her as the reason she is how she is in motherhood. And, while that is true, she is also an amazing mother because she has been obedient to the calling God has placed on her life for this season.

(And, yes, the people who surround a mother as she raises her children are truly dear friends and family members- they are people who love to give of themselves and help make a mother's hardships bearable. I can honestly say that those individuals who have truly helped me throughout my pregnancy, and the beginnings of motherhood have shown me what it is to be the body of Christ like no one else. Christ does not give us more than we can bear, and that is so true- so when you feel as though you are faced with a burden too big for you, look at who else Christ has placed in your life at that moment to make that burden bearable.)

But there is also something to say about the person who is, with help, obediently bearing his or her burden. And the beautiful thing is that that same person will in turn be able to speak words of encouragement to a fellow bearer. It's an amazing blessing to be able to be told that you are not alone. My aforementioned friend blessed me tremendously when she spoke her own words of encouragement to me. Sometimes tears will stream down cheeks as you realize you aren't the first one to feel overwhelmed, sometimes laughter will escape your lips as you come to see that your child is not the first obstinate little one to grace this world with his or her presence, and sometimes it's just nice to know that you are not the first one to make a mistake.

I really don't want this blog to be something that scares people away from motherhood- because it is a truly amazing experience. And yes, it is harder than anything you will ever do, but that's not a bad thing. If you are wanting to be a doctor or a lawyer or you just want to get your masters, trust me that will seem like a piece of cake compared to raising a child. Your sweat, tears, time, blood, love, and heart go into raising a child, and with every day it gets even better. I am sitting here with an eleven month old and I am thinking to myself "I couldn't possibly love him more," but I know I will, because that is what I thought yesterday.

Sometimes it's Awe...

Today I watched in amazement as my son attempted to copy something I had been doing to entertain him for months now. I put a golf ball in a frisbee, and tilt the frisbee back and forth. The golf ball whirs around the edges of the frisbee and eventually falls out... Up until today Tucker would get so frustrated with that golf ball that he would grab it and throw it out of the frisbee. That course of action would tickle me. I could set the golf ball in the frisbee and as soon as he noticed it sitting there he would crawl as fast as he could and get throw the ball off.

Today, though, his little mind had changed. He picked up the frisbee in one hand, and then reached for the golf ball sitting by his leg. His brow furrowed a bit, and his lips stuck out as he concentrated all of his efforts to putting the golf ball "in" the frisbee. After he placed the ball successfully he grabbed both sides, and, very deliberately, started to rotate it back and forth. The ball started to spin, and then it began to glide from side to side. Tucker took it a step further by putting the frisbee in his left hand and flipping it so that the ball would slide around the entire edge, and then he switched hands and repeated the movement.

I sat in awe watching him do this. It just struck me as amazing that he could, at such a young age, begin to mimik people. And then I was struck by another emotion... fear. I began to wonder what other actions he has been watching that might not be so cute if he began to copy them. I know I haven't been perfect, and I know there will be many more times of imperfections, but honestly I hope my son never sees those moments frequently enough that he would ever try to copy them.

I love watching my son's personality begin to take shape. And, unfortunately, I am one of those mothers who laughs when her child misbehaves (only sometimes). I'm definitely trying to work on that with myself- I don't want him to think it's ok to act up... Lately, as in the past couple of weeks, he has taken to really fighting going in his car seat. He squirms and sticks his hips forward, he'll slink down as far as he can go, and make a serious "I'm upset with you" face (and sometimes vocalizes it). So I have to grab him back out of the car-seat and try again to put him in... Well, as soon as I grab him out he gets the biggest grin on his face and he starts to giggle. I just can't help myself, and I start laughing too... Sometimes it's a good reminder to me that I need to slow down a bit, and that it's ok if it takes a couple tries every now and then to get him in his seat... Granted, it is also extremely nice when I don't have to wrestle him in his car-seat...

I guess parenting is a bit of give and take. And I am learning that I need to pick my battles... Sometimes, it really isn't that big of a deal... And sometimes I need to be reminded to take it all in and just realize how big my child is getting, and then there are times where I just need to be able to laugh... at myself and my son!