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Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Sometimes it's Hunger...

Hunger: A strong or compelling desire or craving



Since the moment my son was born he has been adept at expressing when he is hungry. As a newborn it was a piercing cry; as a baby it was a whine/whimper, which would turn into a cry of panic as soon as food was spotted; now, as a toddler, it is a demanding cry of panic- he sees the food and he needs it... now! I have been humored and slightly annoyed at his panic over food. "When have you ever seen food, been hungry, and I have not fed you?" (This thought to myself sometimes voiced to my child... of course I don't receive a response.) But recently I have had two thoughts/questions on this subject. 

The first being this: How different would my life be if I hungered for God's Word (and expressed that hunger) as desperately as my toddler expresses his hunger for food? Imagine not being able to walk by your Bible without immediately grasping it up and abiding in it. Imagine not being able to feed your flesh's hunger until you had satisfied your spiritual hunger. To have a daily, urgent, hunger for abiding in Him would drastically alter my day, my plans, my thoughts, my life.

My second thought, however, was brought about by this question: Do I hunger like this in my life for anything? 
The answer: Yes, I do. I express my panic towards God, I look at Him and beg, "Why aren't You feeding me," and all the while He is holding a spoon to my lips. My conviction about treating my Heavenly Father like a demanding toddler came twice in one week. Think He's trying to tell me something? 

My being a toddler part 1: 
In one instance I was frustrated with a situation, plus stressed that I was going to have a toddler and a newborn in a one bedroom/one study apartment (the study is about 7 sq feet by 5 sq feet, not really big enough for two cribs and a changing table). But financially we couldn't afford to move to a bigger apartment, plus our lease doesn't end until February (by which time baby 2 will be four months old!) So here am I panicking in a demanding, relentless voice to God crying out, "How are we supposed to make this work? Why are we in this stage of life? Why is this frustration in my life right now? etc, etc, etc..." 

The Spoon: 
This last week, the manager of our apartment offered to let us move into a two bedroom (as a result to the frustration issue), and not only that but to lower the price of the two bedroom in order to make it affordable for us to live in. And so the whole time I'm complaining God's sitting there with this perfect solution in hand, probably getting a little annoyed with me, because I am panicking and His provision is sitting there perfectly laid out. 

My being a toddler part 2: 
Recently, as I believe I have expressed earlier, we have had stress in our household. Which, I believe, every couple and family has on a regular basis, especially when, like us, it revolves around finances. This month I honestly had no idea how we were going to make certain payments. And again, my demanding complaint, as I look around and judge that others have been provided for in abundance, "Why am I not being provided for? God, don't you care about this stress in my life? How am I supposed to do this? What am I supposed to do?" Mind you, this is also after we studied the book of Luke and our assignment was to recognize that we were valued in Christ. So, God chose to give me a gentle reminder, a soft rebuking, and a sweet reassurance that I am indeed valued and He is taking care of me- 
"Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe," John 20:29

God's Planned Provision: 
A check sent by a dear friend in the exact amount needed to pay specific bills for this month. Mind you, I have heard of this kind of action and provision before- had heard testimonies of it from friends, but experiencing it first hand has been truly remarkable. And also convicting, because I have been called by God, through His Word, to "not worry about tomorrow" and yet there I was worrying, and fretting, and stressing, and being cross because I didn't truly believe that I was indeed valued. I didn't have faith that my Heavenly Father would truly provide for all my needs. 

This week the prayer that each of us are praying in our Bible study is that we will abide in Him and in His Word, daily, constantly, incessantly. 



Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Sometimes it's a Zoo...

*This blog is a total side-note, silly, fun tidbit that I have come across :) 


I have never considered my child to have ever had a stage where he is "immobile," mainly because he has been moving every limb on his body since he was basically born. From birth he would "swim" if you held his body up in the air- arms and legs moving as fast as he could make them go until he was put down, and even then he didn't hold still. Two months comes along and we have a rolling baby- who miraculously would use his skills to go from one place to another. Five months we have a crawler... a fast crawler. Nine to ten months mostly crawling and pulling up/walking while holding onto furniture: "cruiser." Eleven months we have it, a walker. Now we have a toddler who only walks/waddle-runs... There are benefits that come with such an active child- the first of which is I get plenty of exercise. 

I was always one of those women who dreamed of having twins- I thought it would be the greatest thing ever, that is until I had one baby. I tried to picture how I could have possibly taken care of two mouths to feed, two bottoms to diaper, and two babies to clean and play with. Just thinking about it I would get tired... Now, however, I realize the benefit to having two at the same time is your child has a distraction- someone else to follow around, to play with, to chase, and to "talk" to. 

When Tucker follows me around the house like a little puppy I wish I had someone or something (a dog or a cat) for him to be entertained with. And then I happened upon Zhu-Zhu pets. We were first introduced to these little critters at a friend's house when she grabbed out two to occupy our two boys (who were both crawling at the time)- and the boys chased the things around for an insane amount of time.... I had half-forgotten about these little "pets," and have been thinking more and more about wanting an animal for Tucker to be entertained with... But the only thing we could really have in our tiny little apartment is a fish or two- neither of which I thought my son would be too pleased by seeing as he couldn't really play with them. And then (sigh): Zhu-Zhu pet. From the moment I handed him the little raccoon animal he was fascinated: the noises that emerged from the little creature had Tucker talking right back to it!

Now I know, most parents aren't too crazy about something that not only makes a ton of little squeaky sounds, but also can move incessantly... However, the benefits (at least for us) have far outweighed the costs. For starters the little things can be purchased for $5 at Target, which is a fairly cheap form of entertainment these days... 

Tucker chases the pet up and down our apartment, then he will grab it and laugh at the little noises it makes. He still continues to talk to it, and he now knows how to make it go, stop, and squeak. He gets so tickled when I get "Rocco" down and let the two of them zoom around the floor together- and it's a great distraction in the morning so I can either get dressed and ready, make breakfast, or even eat my own breakfast! 

So, if you are like me, and are trying to desperately find a way to entertain your extra-mobile child with something, anything so you can have a few moments in the morning, etc. to get ready and get the house in order, and if you can't actually buy an animal (or don't want to deal with the hassel of cleaning up after it/dealing with extra expenses) I'd recommend the zhu-zhu pets :) And I'm sure there are tons of other similar toys out there which we haven't yet discovered... 

Thursday, March 24, 2011

A Season

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 
a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; 
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; 
a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; 
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; 
a time for war, and a time for peace." 
-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

The past couple months there has been a lot of stress in my household. Mainly because expecting our second child has mixed joy with worry. Questions arise daily, from "How am I going to drive a Mini Cooper when I'm in my third trimester?" to "Where is baby #2 going to sleep when he or she is too big for the Moses basket?" to "How are we going to continue to live off of one income?" 

I forget that probably the majority of people expecting their second child have similar worries as well, if not more complex. Reminding myself that I am blessed relieves so much stress on my mind. A burden is lifted from my shoulders when I realize how wonderful it is that I live in a safe apartment, that I get to see my toddler every day and I am not having to place him in childcare, that we are able to purchase necessities, and we are not going hungry or going without clothing. 

Living in the midst of a large city- surrounded by the hustle and bustle of thousands of people, bombarded on every side by billboards and advertisements- I lose sight of what it looks like to live for Christ and not for the world (or for my own fleshly desires). How hard it is to not long for a home, for two cars that are both safe to put children inside of, for expendable income, and for an actual vacation to the beach or the mountains with my husband and child(ren). 

Today, I had a pleasant escape from this temptation of thought. I was able to watch my son be fascinated and overjoyed with nature. A stick to him was a golden scepter and an ordinary rock was a precious gemstone. A leaf was a rare treasure (especially when it had a fuzz ball attached to it), and his little plastic purple ball elicited a shout of joy and a belly giggle. 

Digging in the dirt, trying to understand why tree roots don't come off of the ground, and trying with every fiber of his being to catch the black birds hopping under the picnic benches- that is what contentment means to my toddler of a son. How refreshing, how truly enjoyable, to sit and watch a child thoroughly enjoy God's creation. He didn't need anything electronic, or costly; all it took was a little time, some turkey and cheese, a plastic ball, and the great outdoors. God truly has anticipated all of our needs and provided for them- even down to the smallest of people. 


Sunday, January 30, 2011

Sometimes it's Nice

I recently reconnected with a long-time friend. Mother of one-year old twins and a four year old, and honestly I don't know how she does it. I look at my one, eleven month old child, and whenever it's a bad day (tears, teething, reflux, or just pure exhaustion sets in) I think how difficult it would be to have multiple children draining my energy and strength. And yet, my friend is resilient. I'm sure if you were to talk to her she would credit everyone else around her as the reason she is how she is in motherhood. And, while that is true, she is also an amazing mother because she has been obedient to the calling God has placed on her life for this season.

(And, yes, the people who surround a mother as she raises her children are truly dear friends and family members- they are people who love to give of themselves and help make a mother's hardships bearable. I can honestly say that those individuals who have truly helped me throughout my pregnancy, and the beginnings of motherhood have shown me what it is to be the body of Christ like no one else. Christ does not give us more than we can bear, and that is so true- so when you feel as though you are faced with a burden too big for you, look at who else Christ has placed in your life at that moment to make that burden bearable.)

But there is also something to say about the person who is, with help, obediently bearing his or her burden. And the beautiful thing is that that same person will in turn be able to speak words of encouragement to a fellow bearer. It's an amazing blessing to be able to be told that you are not alone. My aforementioned friend blessed me tremendously when she spoke her own words of encouragement to me. Sometimes tears will stream down cheeks as you realize you aren't the first one to feel overwhelmed, sometimes laughter will escape your lips as you come to see that your child is not the first obstinate little one to grace this world with his or her presence, and sometimes it's just nice to know that you are not the first one to make a mistake.

I really don't want this blog to be something that scares people away from motherhood- because it is a truly amazing experience. And yes, it is harder than anything you will ever do, but that's not a bad thing. If you are wanting to be a doctor or a lawyer or you just want to get your masters, trust me that will seem like a piece of cake compared to raising a child. Your sweat, tears, time, blood, love, and heart go into raising a child, and with every day it gets even better. I am sitting here with an eleven month old and I am thinking to myself "I couldn't possibly love him more," but I know I will, because that is what I thought yesterday.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Sometimes it's Awe...

Today I watched in amazement as my son attempted to copy something I had been doing to entertain him for months now. I put a golf ball in a frisbee, and tilt the frisbee back and forth. The golf ball whirs around the edges of the frisbee and eventually falls out... Up until today Tucker would get so frustrated with that golf ball that he would grab it and throw it out of the frisbee. That course of action would tickle me. I could set the golf ball in the frisbee and as soon as he noticed it sitting there he would crawl as fast as he could and get throw the ball off.

Today, though, his little mind had changed. He picked up the frisbee in one hand, and then reached for the golf ball sitting by his leg. His brow furrowed a bit, and his lips stuck out as he concentrated all of his efforts to putting the golf ball "in" the frisbee. After he placed the ball successfully he grabbed both sides, and, very deliberately, started to rotate it back and forth. The ball started to spin, and then it began to glide from side to side. Tucker took it a step further by putting the frisbee in his left hand and flipping it so that the ball would slide around the entire edge, and then he switched hands and repeated the movement.

I sat in awe watching him do this. It just struck me as amazing that he could, at such a young age, begin to mimik people. And then I was struck by another emotion... fear. I began to wonder what other actions he has been watching that might not be so cute if he began to copy them. I know I haven't been perfect, and I know there will be many more times of imperfections, but honestly I hope my son never sees those moments frequently enough that he would ever try to copy them.

I love watching my son's personality begin to take shape. And, unfortunately, I am one of those mothers who laughs when her child misbehaves (only sometimes). I'm definitely trying to work on that with myself- I don't want him to think it's ok to act up... Lately, as in the past couple of weeks, he has taken to really fighting going in his car seat. He squirms and sticks his hips forward, he'll slink down as far as he can go, and make a serious "I'm upset with you" face (and sometimes vocalizes it). So I have to grab him back out of the car-seat and try again to put him in... Well, as soon as I grab him out he gets the biggest grin on his face and he starts to giggle. I just can't help myself, and I start laughing too... Sometimes it's a good reminder to me that I need to slow down a bit, and that it's ok if it takes a couple tries every now and then to get him in his seat... Granted, it is also extremely nice when I don't have to wrestle him in his car-seat...

I guess parenting is a bit of give and take. And I am learning that I need to pick my battles... Sometimes, it really isn't that big of a deal... And sometimes I need to be reminded to take it all in and just realize how big my child is getting, and then there are times where I just need to be able to laugh... at myself and my son!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Sometimes It's Hard...

The little man is entering the stage of life in which he is almost full out walking. Problem with that? Definitely! It was a lot easier to do things like laundry, dishes, make food, etc. when I had a child who wasn't capable of overt mobility. I just looked through all of the baby pictures and for the first like three months every picture he is in he's sleeping! Seriously, that stage went by way too fast. 

I have a problem of slowing down and enjoying the stage of life I am in. Maybe it's that my body doesn't quite comprehend what that means, I don't know, but I am continuously regretting letting stages of life pass me by before I have the chance to appreciate them. I did it in grade school, I did it in all of the houses my family has lived in, and I even did it in college. Constantly looking towards what was coming next instead of what I was living that very moment. 

And then, sometimes, I am just full of regret all around- not only on the things that I didn't take the chance to enjoy and appreciate, but the things that I never was able to experience. It's hard sometimes, wondering what life would have been like if I had taken a scholarship and gone to a different school, in a different state, and had a different life. Maybe studied abroad, and got to see a little bit more of the world before having to "settle down." 

Sometimes I just want to be a kid, you know? I want to pull out a ton of movies that I've seen a hundred times, and watch them all night long. Get a bag of swedish fish, gummy bears, red vines, a box of cupcakes, maybe even chips and dips- and just for a night forget about the world. Then sleep in the next day and have a long, lazy Saturday. A message to all of you who haven't entered the world of motherhood- enjoy sleeping in, seriously, every opportunity you get, take it! Because those opportunities will disappear until your children reach their teens. 

I miss the freedom of just picking up and going without having to worry about taking care of a child at the same time. I miss doing things at the drop of a hat, and not having to worry if whatever I'm about to do is going to interfere with my son's nap time, or feeding time. It's really hard being a mother 24/7, and I don't think any child truly appreciates their mother until they are parents themselves. 

Sometimes I definitely question whether or not I made the right decision. It's hard for me to look at my husband's and my financial struggles, or marital struggles (and yes, every couple I think has their fair share of struggles), but I end up questioning whether I should have been more open to adoption. Even thinking about mother's putting their children up for adoption brings tears to my eyes, and honestly I felt like if I did that it would kill me. And maybe it's every mother's struggle- thinking that there is probably somebody else out there who could do a better job than I am doing- but it certainly is something that has been hard for me. 

I just feel like my life is such a mess and that I am so not fit to be taking care of a child. Every time my son's doctor says that my son looks good and healthy, I just want to hug him- seriously. It helps my heart to know that I am doing a good job, and that my son is being taken care of as he should be. It's just fears and worries. I can't say what is right for every woman facing an "unplanned" pregnancy, but I can say this- being a mother changes your life. Whether you are a birth mother, or whether you are the mother that your children know as "mom," your life is never going to be the same... And that's not necessarily such a bad thing. 

If you are able to provide for yourself and you really want to keep your child, I say go for it. If you are unable to provide for yourself, don't get upset or feel like you don't have options. There are programs and homes that will help mothers, there are doctors who do work for little or sometimes even no cost, and they can help you get your vitamins, get the information you need so you know what to expect, and can even help you place your baby in an adoptive home if you feel too overwhelmed by the prospect of raising your own child. 

Ok, sorry, a little bit of a detour, but getting back on track... 

Being a mother is also fun and highly entertaining. This morning I was able to just sit on the floor, surrounded by pillows, and have a baby talk conversation with my almost ten month old. He gets the biggest kick out of me trying to make the same noises he does (I'm not too good at it, I'll admit). It reminds me of my mission trip to Peru- whenever we tried to speak Spanish to the children during arts and crafts they would just laugh at us. That's how I feel with my son- he has his own little language, and when I try to say what he is saying, it's just the funniest thing in the world. And it's heartwarming- to hear his laugh, and see his sideways grin that produces dimples on his cheeks... it's beautiful. And it makes it all worth it.
The most important thing to remember is that it is ok to laugh at yourself, and if you make a mistake be the first to admit it. Your child/children will copy you- the good and the bad, and yes, even the ugly. A little intimidating I know, but don't worry, there is yet to be the world's perfect person :) 


Thursday, December 2, 2010

My Lamentation

Forgive me for posting twice in a day, but I felt like I needed to post this as well... whether it resonates with you or not, I hope it at least touches your heart...


The Holocaust was the genocide of approximately six million Jews during World War II. Today, people read about it in history books, but it is not something one will generally hear discussed in regular day-to-day conversation. I wasn’t alive during the time of the Holocaust, I didn’t see the pain being caused, the horrible acts did not take place outside of my window, and I didn’t have to consider harboring a refugee or what my consequences would be if anyone knew there were Jews in my house, or even my barn. I am not of Jewish descent, I cannot identify with Jews of today who have or had family members who were victims of this gruesome time.

The two atomic bombs dropped on Hiroshima, Japan and Nagasaki, Japan near the end of World War II, were responsible for approximately 200,000 Japanese deaths. According to Wikipedia, the only countries known to have detonated nuclear weapons—and that acknowledge possessing such weapons today—are (chronologically) the United States, the Soviet Union (succeeded as a nuclear power by Russia), the United Kingdom, France, the People's Republic of China, India, Pakistan, and North Korea. Israel is also widely believed to possess nuclear weapons, though it does not acknowledge having them.

In the world I have grown up in, there have been terrorist attacks, and my country has retaliated. The casualties of the Iraqi war are numerous. According to the Opinion Research Business Survey there were 1,033,000 deaths as a result of the conflict dating from March 2003 to August 2007. After the initial attacks on the Twin Towers, Americans across the country called for action to be taken against the terrorist organizations; the United States of America did just that. We retaliated in full force.... but as war waged and the death count rose, Americans began to feel the full affects of what this war was continuing to do to the lives of our citizens. People began to call for an end to the war, which was becoming increasingly apparent might not end until much longer than anticipated.

In any circumstance, with any group of people, if someone began to talk about a barbaric act in history, or if he/she were to recount the lives of those who had died, I believe people would began to feel a few emotions. A sense of loss for those who died and their families, a sense of sadness about the overall tragedy, and most likely a part of them would be wishing there was something they could have done to spare those who suffered, who are suffering, from that pain.

There are controversy topics around the world: politics and religion are probably two of the “hottest” controversies in the world today, and through studying history it seems to have always been that way. But there is no controversy that the obituary page in the paper is a sad one, especially when there is a young soldier listed, or a young child in general, or even when a highly influential person of the age is declared dead. A person reading an obituary of a ten year old girl who died in an accident at a camp, will most likely remark something along the lines of, “What a tragedy,” or “She was so young,” or even “She didn’t even have a chance to live.” Death of children seem to be more grief striking than the deaths of elderly men and women, who, in most views, were able to live a full and generally happy life.

So here is a new statistic, one that, like most of the others, isn’t something discussed in every day conversation. But, since it is a statistic that is growing at a constant rate every single day, American citizens should probably know about it. 38,507,550 have been destroyed from 1970-2005. Many more have been added to this number in the five years since, but due to the growing belief in Pro-Choice, the law has sanctioned these killings. I don’t want to sound angry, or judgmental, but sorrowful. This is a severe tragedy that has affected a vast number of people throughout the last forty years, and it is continuing to do so.

I understand that when a pregnancy is called into question, and termination is discussed, sometimes it is because the mother will most likely die herself if she tries to carry the baby to full term. Also, there is the fact that some women become pregnant after they have been raped. For others it is because they do not want a baby, they are scared of the responsibility, of change, of being able to care for it. For others, the choice is made because they are too afraid of what people will think, what others will say, how they will be looked at and judged. And how sad is that. I cannot say that these feelings are wrong, or that it isn’t scary to consider raising a child. I think most people who have planned for children and end up getting pregnant at one point in time or another have a moment of panic. The questions of capability, affordability, suitability, all surface intermittently, or sometimes all together. Then there are those who don’t question or fear at all, and of those people even I am jealous.

If faced with the probability that my life would end if I attempted to carry a baby to full term, I honestly do not know what I would do. Would I consider aborting the pregnancy? If I am truly honest with myself, I would have to say yes. If I was ever raped and became pregnant I am fairly confident that I would not abort the child, but I am also pretty certain I wouldn’t know whether to raise the child myself or give the child up for adoption. Of those women, girls, gals, who get pregnant and fear others’ remarks, fear not being able to have the life they have planned out for themselves, fear the responsibility- I can relate to. Those fears generally are a result of getting pregnant before being married. I’ve been there, and I am not about to say that it is an easy place to be. When I found out I was pregnant I cried, and they were not tears of joy, but of remorse, regret, and lament. I felt dirty, I didn’t want to walk outside, I didn’t want to see anyone. And for one entire week my boyfriend and I seriously considered abortion. Our thought process was that we would be the only two people affected by it, our family wouldn’t have to suffer, our friends wouldn’t think any less of us, and we could graduate college as planned. Our lives would go on as they always had, and the only people who would have ever known about the baby would have been the two of us.

By some miracle I was able to look past my own dreams, goals, and plans for my future; and I allowed myself to imagine raising a child instead of attending classes. I allowed my dreams for the “now” time of my life to die a little, and I turned toward a vastness of possibilities. From the moment my now-husband and I held our son, we were grateful for the time we had taken to consider what it would be like to dream a different dream. And I will say this, our family and majority of our friends look at our son as a beautiful gift. I want to encourage the girls who I can relate to: Give yourself a chance to imagine your child’s smiles, your child’s laughs, your child’s first words, and even his or her first cries. Imagine holding an incredible innocent child who will smile for you when the world is against you, who will stretch out their arms wanting you to comfort them, who look to you and pursue you. Imagine a baby who calls you “Mommy,” and who looks at you like you are the greatest thing in the world. Imagine leaving a legacy. And imagine making an impact on a death toll that is steadily rising.

If you want to make a difference in the world, you can. But it isn’t about the right of a mother to make her own decisions, it’s about the right to life that for some reason the entire world feels they have, and yet so many believe that an unborn child doesn’t. If a child was murdered before they could speak, the person who ended the child’s life would be called a murderer. Give the child within the womb nine months before ending their life and they qualify as a “murdered” child instead of an “aborted” child. But, why do so many people want to end lives in the first place?

Right now, in Houston, TX, resides the largest abortion clinic in the world, (aside from the clinics in China). Not only does this clinic participate in first and second trimester abortions, (when the child, or “fetus,” is 0-3 months old and 3-6 months old respectively), but they also administer third trimester abortions, and there is an entire floor devoted to partial birth abortion. Partial birth abortion is when the baby has been partially born, and the doctor kills it before it is fully born. Astonishingly enough, even that act is not considered violent, or murder. Do the women who have this performed not understand that there are countless couples out there who cannot have children of their own and who would love nothing more than to adopt a baby? Tragedy, why have you befallen on this country?

The book Lamentations, written by the prophet Jeremiah, found in the Bible, contains the lamentations of Jeremiah. He weeps over the destruction of the people and the city. Mothers are described in this book as eating their own children. A little over 2500 years later, it seems like our world has taken that concept and multiplied it a billion times over.

This is the plea of my heart, that the way we view pro-life and pro-choice would no longer be a point of controversy. The idea that every individual should be given the right to be born, and that if the parent wants a choice they can choose to put their child up for adoption. Why does death have to be a choice?

My lamentation is this: that over 40 million innocent babies have been denied the right to life over the past forty years. They didn’t do anything wrong, if anyone is the victim here it is them, not the mother, but the child who cannot vocalize how much the chance at life would mean to him or her. Why is evil so prevalent? Why is innocence so destroyed?