Death comes... Unexpectedly for some, and like a long awaited friend for others. Death can be sudden or slow, it can be painless or bear intense suffering. Death can be seen as a thief- coming in the middle of the night and stealing a life. Death can be shattering, sorrowful, and breaking to those left alive or it can be something that the living look on with kindness as their loved one's agony is ended. Death is looked on with hope for those who have assurance in their salvation. For those who forsake their flesh and sacrifice for Christ; for those who choose to be called a fool by the world and a child by God; for those who have lived their life with a finger pointing to the heavens, living their lives in submission to Christ... Death for those is, to quote Peter Pan, "an awfully grand adventure."
As humans we want to understand. We don't get it, we will never get it- why a God of perfect Love and Kindness would take a youth from his parents, his family, his wife. But this is what matters, this is the truth: God knows. We don't have to understand, He does. He has a purpose, He knows the number of our days, and He will bring glory to His name through these circumstances. In the end, this thread that is unexplainable will be seen amidst a huge tapestry, and it will be beautiful, glorifying to God on High.
Addison Road has a song titled, "What do I know of Holy," and the lyrics are listed below. This song tends to put things into a greater perspective. It helps to refocus the heart from the here and now and flesh to the eternal and spiritual and holy.
I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven but I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small, I never feared You at all, no
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes, could I behold You?
What do I know of You who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood but the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were might to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees
What do I know of You who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood but the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life it's name?
What do I know of holy of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name on earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?
What do I know of You who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood but the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
My heart breaks for a wife who has lost her husband, for parents who have lost a son, and for siblings who have lost a brother. For those who have lost a friend, a beloved family member, and a brother in Christ... Prayers are lifted up for them, but words... There are none.
Nicholas James Garbarino: August 11, 1989 - January 26, 2012
Nick passed on from this life at about 1:30 am last night. He was in Andi's arms, and surrounded by his family and friends. -[Richard Garbarino]
We will miss you Nick. But despite our tears and sorrow we will rejoice with you and the knowledge that you are with your Heavenly Father- free of pain and suffering.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Sometimes it's Music
The other night Tucker was utterly exhausted, and was running around the house in a state of giggling delirium. In an effort to calm him I scooped him up into my arms and cradled him. He looked up at me and requested (as if this was totally normal): "See the moon? I see the moon?" It caught me off guard, but I laughed and started to sing to him... And then he started to sing.
Now, don't get me wrong, Tucker has "sung" before... He just hasn't sung. His voice turned to a melody, and, despite the fact that he didn't know the whole song, he made his voice follow the tune that I was singing for him. And later that night he did it again.
This time we were lying in bed together- he reluctant to fall asleep and me desperate to calm him one way or another. And so I started to sing the songs my dad would sing with me when I was little... Two of which are listed below:
Now, don't get me wrong, Tucker has "sung" before... He just hasn't sung. His voice turned to a melody, and, despite the fact that he didn't know the whole song, he made his voice follow the tune that I was singing for him. And later that night he did it again.
This time we were lying in bed together- he reluctant to fall asleep and me desperate to calm him one way or another. And so I started to sing the songs my dad would sing with me when I was little... Two of which are listed below:
Lord, You are more precious than silver.
Lord, You are more costly than gold.
Lord, You are more beautiful than diamonds.
And nothing I desire compares with you.
And
I love You Lord,
And I lift my voice
To worship You
Oh my soul, rejoice!
Take joy my King
in what you hear,
And may it be a sweet,
Sweet song in Your ear!
As soon as he realized what each song was as I was singing it, he would join in with me. Singing in the same manner he sang "I see the moon" earlier that evening, and my eyes started to get a little leaky... Suddenly, I was six years old, sitting on my bed, singing with my dad, "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want..."
One of my fondest memories of my childhood is now one of my fondest memories of motherhood.
Happy Birthday, Dad!
We love you!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Sometimes it's an Intruder...
The past few nights Maddie has been waking up every two and a half to three hours. (Occasionally she will go four hours without waking up, but that's a rarity.) When I put her down for a nap she will then commence screaming for at least thirty minutes before falling asleep. And then, fifteen to thirty minutes after she falls asleep she wakes up again... screaming.
Thebest hardest part about these episodes is that I wait until she falls asleep before trying to sleep myself... which generally means that as soon as I am sound asleep (dreaming) I am almost instantly awoken by my child's vocal chords. (I am actually impressed that she has not become hoarse yet with all of these antics.)
I'm hoping that the Babywise book is in fact right in that this is just the "45 minute intruder," and is directly related to Madeline going through a growth spurt... And if it's not I am a little scared that she is already taking lessons from her brother in how to avoid sleeping. Although if that's the case I believe the student has surpassed the teacher, because she is now sleeping less than he is. This cannot be healthy...
Why is it that having one child does nothing in preparing you for having a second? Shouldn't there be some takeaway that is universal besides the fact that no matter how many children you have you will never cease to be amazed by the overwhelming love you feel for each of them? I mean, seriously, shouldn't there be more of a takeaway from raising a child?
The
I'm hoping that the Babywise book is in fact right in that this is just the "45 minute intruder," and is directly related to Madeline going through a growth spurt... And if it's not I am a little scared that she is already taking lessons from her brother in how to avoid sleeping. Although if that's the case I believe the student has surpassed the teacher, because she is now sleeping less than he is. This cannot be healthy...
Why is it that having one child does nothing in preparing you for having a second? Shouldn't there be some takeaway that is universal besides the fact that no matter how many children you have you will never cease to be amazed by the overwhelming love you feel for each of them? I mean, seriously, shouldn't there be more of a takeaway from raising a child?
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Sometimes it's Communication
Maddie adores Tucker. She can be lying on her play-mat completely fascinated by the giraffe hanging above her hand, but if she catches sight of brother's foot or hears brother's voice she begins contorting herself to try to get a better view of his antics. And most of the time I have to step in and shift her, because I am afraid she is going to dislocate her neck.
Meanwhile, Tucker has started telling people "hi." The only problem is he won't stop telling a person "hi" unless they leave the room or acknowledge him with a similar greeting. And sometimes it will just encourage him to either shout "hi," (if the person leaves), or continue a "hi" conversation (if the person engages). And that brings us to this morning.
This morning Tucker came and sat next to Maddie with a bowl of pretzels. Maddie craned her neck backwards trying to make eye contact with Tucker. He gently acknowledged her efforts by placing his hand on her head and repeating, "Hi, Maddie. Hi, Maddie." For about fifteen minutes this interaction lasted. Maddie would stick out her tongue, and I tried to explain to Tucker that that was how Maddie was saying "hi," but he didn't believe me I guess, because the "hi's" continued... until the pretzels became more intriguing.
Tucker's vocabulary has grown quite extensively, however, despite the fact that he has become fascinated with having a conversation made up entirely of greetings... Last night Tucker came to me and handed me his sippy cup. He then explained,
Tucker: "Go to get Igger."
Me: "Ok, you can get Tigger."
Tucker: expectant look
Me: "He's in your room, upstairs."
Tucker: "Okay!"
and then in a sing-song voice as he turns to head up the stairs
"Beeee right back! Right back!"
Nathan and I looked at each other and immediately started laughing. Hilarious! What flashed through my mind at that moment was all of the times, while running upstairs to grab something really quick, I would yell down to him, "I'll be right back, Tucker. I'll be right back!" It seems so natural for me to say it, but to hear him saying it sounded odd- like he was using "Grown-up" language instead of "little-kid-talk."
Meanwhile, Tucker has started telling people "hi." The only problem is he won't stop telling a person "hi" unless they leave the room or acknowledge him with a similar greeting. And sometimes it will just encourage him to either shout "hi," (if the person leaves), or continue a "hi" conversation (if the person engages). And that brings us to this morning.
This morning Tucker came and sat next to Maddie with a bowl of pretzels. Maddie craned her neck backwards trying to make eye contact with Tucker. He gently acknowledged her efforts by placing his hand on her head and repeating, "Hi, Maddie. Hi, Maddie." For about fifteen minutes this interaction lasted. Maddie would stick out her tongue, and I tried to explain to Tucker that that was how Maddie was saying "hi," but he didn't believe me I guess, because the "hi's" continued... until the pretzels became more intriguing.
Tucker's vocabulary has grown quite extensively, however, despite the fact that he has become fascinated with having a conversation made up entirely of greetings... Last night Tucker came to me and handed me his sippy cup. He then explained,
Tucker: "Go to get Igger."
Me: "Ok, you can get Tigger."
Tucker: expectant look
Me: "He's in your room, upstairs."
Tucker: "Okay!"
and then in a sing-song voice as he turns to head up the stairs
"Beeee right back! Right back!"
Nathan and I looked at each other and immediately started laughing. Hilarious! What flashed through my mind at that moment was all of the times, while running upstairs to grab something really quick, I would yell down to him, "I'll be right back, Tucker. I'll be right back!" It seems so natural for me to say it, but to hear him saying it sounded odd- like he was using "Grown-up" language instead of "little-kid-talk."
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Sometimes it's the Refusal to Sleep
Tucker gave up his morning nap about the same time he started crawling. Five months old, and the little man would only sleep in the afternoon. He could be completely exhausted, falling apart at the seams for no reason whatsoever, but would refuse to sleep until after he had eaten lunch. And when that happened he would finally pass out for an average of three hours. His nighttime sleep was wonderful, however: 7 p.m. to 7 a.m. Every. Single. Night. Until thirteen months...
Thirteen months was when everything changed. Suddenly Tucker was screaming in the middle of the night, something we soon found out was the result of night terrors. Awful. Listening to your child screaming and not being able to comfort him- (since he was still asleep and crying the doctor advised the best thing to do was to let him cry it out. My touch could make everything a lot worse). Awesome. This night terror pattern took away from his blissful night's rest and ended up affecting him taking an afternoon nap. In other words, he began to fight me on going to bed... all of the time.
Fast forward to twenty-two months and we have this: a child who should be taking an early nap in the afternoon (all of the symptoms of exhaustion have started to show: tears for no reason, tantrums, falling into a heap of exhausted mess, and laying down on his love blanket in the middle of the floor...), but alas- when he is put to bed he suddenly perks right up. And for the next two hours I am making trips up the stairs to his room to beg, plead, bribe, and discipline him in every attempt to encourage sleep. When he finally gives in he sleeps for three hours. And Maddie wakes up.
Now the battle goes into nighttime sleep. I read the other day in a parenting book that getting your child(ren) on a predictable and regular schedule will aid them in going to bed happy and waking up happy- whether it's naps or bedtime, the kids should be happy. I sit on the couch, listening to my son's read-a-long bear saying "I'm momma bear. The book talks to me, and I answer. Press a button on the book to get started." And I am thinking, "Well, he's happy, but he is not going to sleep!" Meanwhile Maddie is screaming from her room- making it clear that the teenage years are going to be delightful- and making me seriously question what on earth the author of that book was using to bribe their children with.
Or maybe it's just me? Am I really the only one in mommy-world who has children who fight tooth and nail when it comes to sleep?
Thirteen months was when everything changed. Suddenly Tucker was screaming in the middle of the night, something we soon found out was the result of night terrors. Awful. Listening to your child screaming and not being able to comfort him- (since he was still asleep and crying the doctor advised the best thing to do was to let him cry it out. My touch could make everything a lot worse). Awesome. This night terror pattern took away from his blissful night's rest and ended up affecting him taking an afternoon nap. In other words, he began to fight me on going to bed... all of the time.
Fast forward to twenty-two months and we have this: a child who should be taking an early nap in the afternoon (all of the symptoms of exhaustion have started to show: tears for no reason, tantrums, falling into a heap of exhausted mess, and laying down on his love blanket in the middle of the floor...), but alas- when he is put to bed he suddenly perks right up. And for the next two hours I am making trips up the stairs to his room to beg, plead, bribe, and discipline him in every attempt to encourage sleep. When he finally gives in he sleeps for three hours. And Maddie wakes up.
Now the battle goes into nighttime sleep. I read the other day in a parenting book that getting your child(ren) on a predictable and regular schedule will aid them in going to bed happy and waking up happy- whether it's naps or bedtime, the kids should be happy. I sit on the couch, listening to my son's read-a-long bear saying "I'm momma bear. The book talks to me, and I answer. Press a button on the book to get started." And I am thinking, "Well, he's happy, but he is not going to sleep!" Meanwhile Maddie is screaming from her room- making it clear that the teenage years are going to be delightful- and making me seriously question what on earth the author of that book was using to bribe their children with.
Or maybe it's just me? Am I really the only one in mommy-world who has children who fight tooth and nail when it comes to sleep?
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Sometimes it's Family
Last week was wonderful. The day after Christmas we loaded up our Mini and drove for three and a half hours to my Uncle's ranch outside of Bracketville, TX. A much needed break from city life- beautiful, wide open spaces; and a refreshing time of family, friends, and food. The blessing this last week was to my heart words cannot even begin to express. To have people genuinely love and care for my children, to watch my kids' faces light up with utmost joy, and to sit back and drink it all in. Bliss.
Surrounded by not only my family, but my brother's in-laws (whom all of us consider family, really), and friends- and watching every single person love on my children. Truly love on my children... I mean, wow. Mothers will know what I am talking about. Especially when you have your baby with you, and your arms are beginning to go numb from cradling her and quieting her, and then you have this friend come up and whisk her away. They bounce her, talk to her, and rock her until she calms or sleeps. And that constant on edge feeling melts away and I am able to just breath deep and enjoy being with family. Because, ultimately, everyone really is...
This last week I realized how much good Christian company is truly needed for a healthy life. You need the time to voice your honest feelings, and to have honest Christian counsel in return. Women need that. Men need that. Couples need that. And it truly is a release of burden and a restoration of health to be able to have that. I think that's why counselors are so great- it's so healthy, to just talk, and to not be judged for it, but to have guidance in all of it. To talk to an impartial party, and yet someone who can give you sound advice, or even just listen. It's refreshing.
Fresh air is also refreshing. I know that's kind of a "duh" statement... But being out on thousands of acres, not seeing another soul other than those who are already with you... Seeing rolling hills, and just untainted space. A break from the crowds and the electronics (did I mention there was extremely spotty internet?) - I didn't check email or get on a computer the whole week! I felt like I was back in Lake City... sigh
The only downside to going on a vacation is that now we have come home... And Tucker is sick- has a fever for the second time in his life- and that in and of itself is pretty exhausting. But I am also discovering how draining homesickness can be. Maybe not so much for the city of Houston, more-so the people of Houston. So here's a "Hello" to all of our friends and family living there. Know we miss you all, and feel blessed to call you "friend," "family," "brother," and "sister."
Tucker in front yard at Ranch
Surrounded by not only my family, but my brother's in-laws (whom all of us consider family, really), and friends- and watching every single person love on my children. Truly love on my children... I mean, wow. Mothers will know what I am talking about. Especially when you have your baby with you, and your arms are beginning to go numb from cradling her and quieting her, and then you have this friend come up and whisk her away. They bounce her, talk to her, and rock her until she calms or sleeps. And that constant on edge feeling melts away and I am able to just breath deep and enjoy being with family. Because, ultimately, everyone really is...
Nicholas and Tucker on stairs in lodge
Tucker "riding" Samson
Fresh air is also refreshing. I know that's kind of a "duh" statement... But being out on thousands of acres, not seeing another soul other than those who are already with you... Seeing rolling hills, and just untainted space. A break from the crowds and the electronics (did I mention there was extremely spotty internet?) - I didn't check email or get on a computer the whole week! I felt like I was back in Lake City... sigh
The only downside to going on a vacation is that now we have come home... And Tucker is sick- has a fever for the second time in his life- and that in and of itself is pretty exhausting. But I am also discovering how draining homesickness can be. Maybe not so much for the city of Houston, more-so the people of Houston. So here's a "Hello" to all of our friends and family living there. Know we miss you all, and feel blessed to call you "friend," "family," "brother," and "sister."
Tucker sound asleep on ottoman in bedroom
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